this weekend I...

...thought about cutting most of my hair off.
...decided not to.
...went to church, and decided that whatever the girl's name is that sings at Newspring is my hero.
...stalled for a birthday party by going grocery shopping.
...went to my second NeedToBreathe concert in three weeks. It was incredible.
...realized that I am loved more than anyone could ever deserve.
...made a decision to always make people around me feel like my friends made me feel yesterday.
...fell in love with a place that will (with any luck) be the love of the next three years of my life.
...remembered why I want to adopt children one day.
...wished I could adopt them all right now.
...understood how vital love is to life, especially the life of a child, and how the lack of it can leave you broken.

This weekend we went to Helping Hands, an emergency foster home where children stay immediately after they are pulled out of abusive/neglectful homes (when their situation is considered too serious to wait) until they can find a more permanent place to send them. I understood that it was important, and I was prepared to work and wash buses and play with kids all morning and run around until I dropped.

I was not prepared for a seven-year-old to ask me if she can call me Mom, since hers didn't love her.

I was not prepared to be told that I had to pull away from a very confused little girl who just wanted someone to hold her hand, because we couldn't get "too attached" to them, or that I probably shouldn't hug a child who might not have ever gotten a real hug in her life.

I wasn't prepared for it, nor am I prepared to go back. I won't ever be prepared to explain to that seven-year-old why she can't come home with me, or why she feels the need to physically beat herself up when she gets angry because that's all she's ever known from anyone who was angry with her. I don't ever want to be too prepared for that. I'm not prepared to go back but I'm going anyway, knowing that those kids can't stay for more than four months and I'll be upset every time one of them has to leave. Knowing that I can't let them climb all over me like normal crazy active kids do or grab my hand or get "too attached." If you saw and heard what I did, you'd go back too.

I'm going to adopt at least one of those kids one day. Not them, but kids just like them. I know it's hard, and I know they're trouble, and I know they have way too much pain for me to fix and they have anger problems and they'll probably drive me crazy and maybe it won't ever do them any good. But it might. Love is an incredibly powerful thing, whether we fully understand it or not. And I know that the love I've been shown through grace and through the indescribable people I have the privilege of knowing has been the only thing that has ever had a chance of healing the pain I've acquired in my life--I don't think I'm allowed to be selfish with that. I've wondered for a long time why I wanted to adopt one day; now, years later, I know why. There's more than enough reasons, and I met a lot of them yesterday. They let me play on their playground.

more from new orleans...

It is incredibly difficult to become humble.

It isn't like you can wake up one morning and decide that you want to be. Humility is a positive trait, and if you are aware of your positive traits you tend to be less humble (stick with me, it won't always be that confusing). I've been reading "My Utmost for His Highest" and one topic in particular caught my attention: the assertion that the best characteristic qualities of a Christian are not products of said Christian's own effort. In fact, Chambers makes the argument that only when a quality (such as humility) is unconscious is it most effective.

"...if it is conscious it ceases to have this unaffected loveliness which is the characteristic of the touch of Jesus."

My first reaction was against this particular entry (I think it was the context of the whole thing that did that). Now that I've rolled it over in my mind for awhile I think I'm more inclined to agree--you will probably find it very difficult to become like Jesus when you're making every effort to do so. During my short stay in NOLA I came across people who had no idea they exhibited (quite powerfully) the characteristics of Christ. If Christianity is more about the heart than about the law, why is it so easy to forget that we are entirely powerless to change our own hearts? That change comes from surrendering everything you are and everything you do. That "unaffected loveliness," that certain presence of grace in a person is what is supposed to make Christians so easily distinguishable. When you are truly touched by Jesus, you unconsciously develop a "poverty of spirit" because you begin to recognize that there really is nothing about you that is good, apart from the work of God in you. Humble people probably don't realize they're humble at all.

The people who impress me the most with certain qualities very rarely realize they are doing it. The things I love most about them are the things that they do without thinking about it. I am impressed by them because they ARE those things, not because they PRACTICE those things. I don't remember ever aspiring to be someone who tries really hard. I aspire to be someone who doesn't need to.

I'd like to think I'm transparent.

I don't hide feelings well, and I talk when I'm upset. My eyes light up when I hear something that excites me or resonates with me. If I look sad and you can't figure out why, it's probably because my "spaced out" face is pretty blank (which is usually the only time you'll see it that way). If you ask, I'll tell you. I don't tell most people everything about my life, but there are those few who hear just about all of it. If I seem happy, I'm happy. If I'm quiet, I'm thinking. If I'm crying, I'm seriously hurt or confused or frustrated. I can fake emotion, but I usually don't pull it off successfully--if I tell you how I feel, you've probably been able to guess already just by looking at me.

I'm a heck of a lot more "emotional" than I like to admit.

I don't deal well with the dramatic, nor do I cry over small things. But I feel deeply, and I take much more to heart than I realize sometimes. I don't do many things without becoming wholly invested in them--so I get really ecstatic when things work, and I crash with them if they fail. I worry more than I should sometimes. Still, I'm not easily offended or angered; if I have a problem, I'll do my best to talk to you about it. I don't like to complain, but I do it sometimes before I realize it and kick myself later. I read too much into things every now and then, but I'll probably never admit it because deep down I know that's not really what you meant. If a really wonderful conversation doesn't have a really good ending, I tend to remember the way you said the last sentence more so than the previous hour's worth of discussion. Tone of voice says more to me than it does to most people.

Basically, no I don't really understand myself. I really don't know what made me write this to be honest. I surprise and even mortify myself sometimes. I'm a weird mix of the rational and the emotional, and sometimes my responses to situations or people are not what even I would have predicted. I know myself much better now than I used to, and it's not that I'm unstable or anything (I know you've been wondering ;-D ), but I'm exactly like everyone else--I color a little outside of my own lines.

the most random and thus maybe longest post yet

It is possible to fall in love with an entire city in less than three weeks.

I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my brain from these last two weeks in NOLA. They'll probably turn into several posts over the next month or two. It's amazing how so little time can change you so much!

The truth that you already know can feel so different when you hear it in the comfort and familiarity of home than it does in a place where faith is literally the only hope many people have left. God lives there because He is NEEDED there. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't NEED God more. My physical needs are met, my life is comfortable. It's a lot easier to keep up a prayer life when you rely on prayer to your Provider for most of the basics. One of the first things someone told me about their experiences when I got there was, "God is present with the poor." Personally, I think one of the biggest reasons why Jesus said that it would be difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven is because there is very little reliance on God for our "daily bread." I never imagined that I would start to see God's overwhelming provision in my life as a handicap to my pursuit of Him.

I left my church. Not because I'm mad or because I disagree with them or because I "need a change," but because God is (after 15 years) calling me HERE. The single thing in my life that has consumed most of my energy, passion, prayer, and time over the last 6-7 YEARS is suddenly gone. Not that it has surrendered all claim to my heart, not that I care about those people less, not that I'm going to forget that much of who I am has been formed under the ministry of that youth group, but it's absolutely without a doubt not where I am supposed to be. It's been harder than I let on sometimes. It's not comfortable. It sucks. I'm leaving those who have become my family, some of my best friends, some of the people who have loved me in very tangible ways through all of the worst times in my life. And I can't go back for awhile because I belong here now and the more I go back the more I'm going to have to defend my choice to stay in Clemson--and I need a break from that. I really just hope that everyone understands my heart: that I'm here NOT because it's convenient or more fun than driving home, but because it's a new phase of my life that I don't expect people to necessarily understand. I'm not running away. I'm just running in a different direction. And God is already blessing that.

Another thing I realized today is that it was only when I came to Clemson that I found out who I wanted to be. I spent years idolizing some of the older people in my youth group, wondering why I was never on "their level." I thought I was a failure, that I couldn't get to where they were. Surprise surprise, the problem was that I was chasing God like them. I never realized that being a Christian could look different than it did for some of the kids at Praise Cathedral. It's not wrong, it's just not ME. Unfortunately, I never really understood that until I got here. First you chase God, then God shows you who you are and you know Him in your own way. My spirituality probably looks a little different from yours. Good--we're a little different. I respond to God a little differently than I thought I "should." God created each of us and He knows how to get to each of us best. I just had to come here to find that out...and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. I've been a "Christian" most of my life, and I've been a CHRISTIAN for at least 3 years, and I'm finally understanding what it means to know Jesus.

I'm done for now! I haven't done this in way too long...I'll work on that :)

memory

"No, I promise it happened just like that! I remember, I can picture it right now..."

I've done it. You probably have too. Nobody remembers your conversations or escapades quite like you do. You have an unusual capacity for recalling exactly how it happened.

Did you know that you are totally wrong?

If your brain stored every detail of every memory you ever had, you would be overloaded with information. So instead, to save space, your brain ingeniously edits events and stores what it considers to be important details for you to recall when you need them. And then, when you need that memory, your brain reconstructs what happened around those few important details that were stored in their entirety. It fills in the rest, and it tends to fill it in slighly differently than you'd like. Basically, your brain guesses--usually it guesses pretty well. Sometimes it doesn't.

Read Stumbling on Happiness. Great book. It will make you think twice before you use your own memory in an argument =]

the american dream

I think one of the most telling things about our culture is the constant insistence on the "American dream."

You know--the two story house, 2.6 kids, floppy-eared family dog, happy husband/loving wife, and secure job (all of which your next-door neighbor will hopefully be envious of you for, because that makes it so much better). But does it really have anything to do with how many kids you have enclosed in your white picket fence? I really think we put that idea on such a pedestal because we genuinely think that if only we can achieve a certain standard, we would be happy. Or at least happier. That somehow our problems would disappear if things were different, instead of understanding that those problems would probably follow us no matter what house we lived in unless we deal with them. We think more money, less risk, and more stuff would keep us living in bliss for years.

I want to be challenged. I want to try everything and figure out how it works. I want to change something besides the color of my dining room every few years. I want every day to be different than the day before it. I don't want to always know how tomorrow is going to turn out. I want to appreciate people and surround myself with friends who will push me. I don't know that I would mind a little risk in my life, because maybe it has nothing to do with what situation you find yourself in so much as who you find yourself with.

I want appreciate life and find happiness in the strangest places.

relationship advice (don't worry, i'm not really giving you any)

I'm glad most of my female friends read these. Most of them aren't really all that interesting if you're a boy, I'm sure. Sorry about that.

There is not "standard relationship advice." There isn't. I promise. Similarities and basic principles, yes. But basic principles tend to be just that, and they show up in different ways in different relationships.

People are different. When you put unique people together, you get a unique combination of personalities and interests and needs that really has to be explored and figured out at that point. My schedule, my concerns, my history, my passions aren't yours. Some things are more important to me than they are to others, and some are less. Even if you truly get over things that have happened to you in the past, those things affect what you will look for in the future. Things I can tell you with certainty that I need in a relationship when I'm single might actually be...you guessed it...WRONG. (I'll wait for the shock-and-awe effect to clear =] ). But heck, you might really like those ideas that I had a while ago that aren't all that important to me any more. What works for me probably won't make you all that happy. Because we're all really different. And that's really good.

Maybe I'll get my list back out one day and share it. I do have a list, and I like it--it's a good one.

For me.

There are things on it that I would recommend to anybody...and some that I know are absolutely not going to be compromised in my future relationship(s), though they might not matter at all in yours. Whatever your list ends up looking like, understand that a lot of the effort in your relationship will probably go into figuring out (with that person) what success looks like for the two of you--how your individual personalities work best with one another. In any event, understand that it will take effort.