I'd like to think I'm transparent.
I don't hide feelings well, and I talk when I'm upset. My eyes light up when I hear something that excites me or resonates with me. If I look sad and you can't figure out why, it's probably because my "spaced out" face is pretty blank (which is usually the only time you'll see it that way). If you ask, I'll tell you. I don't tell most people everything about my life, but there are those few who hear just about all of it. If I seem happy, I'm happy. If I'm quiet, I'm thinking. If I'm crying, I'm seriously hurt or confused or frustrated. I can fake emotion, but I usually don't pull it off successfully--if I tell you how I feel, you've probably been able to guess already just by looking at me.
I'm a heck of a lot more "emotional" than I like to admit.
I don't deal well with the dramatic, nor do I cry over small things. But I feel deeply, and I take much more to heart than I realize sometimes. I don't do many things without becoming wholly invested in them--so I get really ecstatic when things work, and I crash with them if they fail. I worry more than I should sometimes. Still, I'm not easily offended or angered; if I have a problem, I'll do my best to talk to you about it. I don't like to complain, but I do it sometimes before I realize it and kick myself later. I read too much into things every now and then, but I'll probably never admit it because deep down I know that's not really what you meant. If a really wonderful conversation doesn't have a really good ending, I tend to remember the way you said the last sentence more so than the previous hour's worth of discussion. Tone of voice says more to me than it does to most people.
Basically, no I don't really understand myself. I really don't know what made me write this to be honest. I surprise and even mortify myself sometimes. I'm a weird mix of the rational and the emotional, and sometimes my responses to situations or people are not what even I would have predicted. I know myself much better now than I used to, and it's not that I'm unstable or anything (I know you've been wondering ;-D ), but I'm exactly like everyone else--I color a little outside of my own lines.
8.26.2007
8.25.2007
the most random and thus maybe longest post yet
It is possible to fall in love with an entire city in less than three weeks.
I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my brain from these last two weeks in NOLA. They'll probably turn into several posts over the next month or two. It's amazing how so little time can change you so much!
The truth that you already know can feel so different when you hear it in the comfort and familiarity of home than it does in a place where faith is literally the only hope many people have left. God lives there because He is NEEDED there. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't NEED God more. My physical needs are met, my life is comfortable. It's a lot easier to keep up a prayer life when you rely on prayer to your Provider for most of the basics. One of the first things someone told me about their experiences when I got there was, "God is present with the poor." Personally, I think one of the biggest reasons why Jesus said that it would be difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven is because there is very little reliance on God for our "daily bread." I never imagined that I would start to see God's overwhelming provision in my life as a handicap to my pursuit of Him.
I left my church. Not because I'm mad or because I disagree with them or because I "need a change," but because God is (after 15 years) calling me HERE. The single thing in my life that has consumed most of my energy, passion, prayer, and time over the last 6-7 YEARS is suddenly gone. Not that it has surrendered all claim to my heart, not that I care about those people less, not that I'm going to forget that much of who I am has been formed under the ministry of that youth group, but it's absolutely without a doubt not where I am supposed to be. It's been harder than I let on sometimes. It's not comfortable. It sucks. I'm leaving those who have become my family, some of my best friends, some of the people who have loved me in very tangible ways through all of the worst times in my life. And I can't go back for awhile because I belong here now and the more I go back the more I'm going to have to defend my choice to stay in Clemson--and I need a break from that. I really just hope that everyone understands my heart: that I'm here NOT because it's convenient or more fun than driving home, but because it's a new phase of my life that I don't expect people to necessarily understand. I'm not running away. I'm just running in a different direction. And God is already blessing that.
Another thing I realized today is that it was only when I came to Clemson that I found out who I wanted to be. I spent years idolizing some of the older people in my youth group, wondering why I was never on "their level." I thought I was a failure, that I couldn't get to where they were. Surprise surprise, the problem was that I was chasing God like them. I never realized that being a Christian could look different than it did for some of the kids at Praise Cathedral. It's not wrong, it's just not ME. Unfortunately, I never really understood that until I got here. First you chase God, then God shows you who you are and you know Him in your own way. My spirituality probably looks a little different from yours. Good--we're a little different. I respond to God a little differently than I thought I "should." God created each of us and He knows how to get to each of us best. I just had to come here to find that out...and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. I've been a "Christian" most of my life, and I've been a CHRISTIAN for at least 3 years, and I'm finally understanding what it means to know Jesus.
I'm done for now! I haven't done this in way too long...I'll work on that :)
I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my brain from these last two weeks in NOLA. They'll probably turn into several posts over the next month or two. It's amazing how so little time can change you so much!
The truth that you already know can feel so different when you hear it in the comfort and familiarity of home than it does in a place where faith is literally the only hope many people have left. God lives there because He is NEEDED there. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't NEED God more. My physical needs are met, my life is comfortable. It's a lot easier to keep up a prayer life when you rely on prayer to your Provider for most of the basics. One of the first things someone told me about their experiences when I got there was, "God is present with the poor." Personally, I think one of the biggest reasons why Jesus said that it would be difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven is because there is very little reliance on God for our "daily bread." I never imagined that I would start to see God's overwhelming provision in my life as a handicap to my pursuit of Him.
I left my church. Not because I'm mad or because I disagree with them or because I "need a change," but because God is (after 15 years) calling me HERE. The single thing in my life that has consumed most of my energy, passion, prayer, and time over the last 6-7 YEARS is suddenly gone. Not that it has surrendered all claim to my heart, not that I care about those people less, not that I'm going to forget that much of who I am has been formed under the ministry of that youth group, but it's absolutely without a doubt not where I am supposed to be. It's been harder than I let on sometimes. It's not comfortable. It sucks. I'm leaving those who have become my family, some of my best friends, some of the people who have loved me in very tangible ways through all of the worst times in my life. And I can't go back for awhile because I belong here now and the more I go back the more I'm going to have to defend my choice to stay in Clemson--and I need a break from that. I really just hope that everyone understands my heart: that I'm here NOT because it's convenient or more fun than driving home, but because it's a new phase of my life that I don't expect people to necessarily understand. I'm not running away. I'm just running in a different direction. And God is already blessing that.
Another thing I realized today is that it was only when I came to Clemson that I found out who I wanted to be. I spent years idolizing some of the older people in my youth group, wondering why I was never on "their level." I thought I was a failure, that I couldn't get to where they were. Surprise surprise, the problem was that I was chasing God like them. I never realized that being a Christian could look different than it did for some of the kids at Praise Cathedral. It's not wrong, it's just not ME. Unfortunately, I never really understood that until I got here. First you chase God, then God shows you who you are and you know Him in your own way. My spirituality probably looks a little different from yours. Good--we're a little different. I respond to God a little differently than I thought I "should." God created each of us and He knows how to get to each of us best. I just had to come here to find that out...and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. I've been a "Christian" most of my life, and I've been a CHRISTIAN for at least 3 years, and I'm finally understanding what it means to know Jesus.
I'm done for now! I haven't done this in way too long...I'll work on that :)
7.20.2007
memory
"No, I promise it happened just like that! I remember, I can picture it right now..."
I've done it. You probably have too. Nobody remembers your conversations or escapades quite like you do. You have an unusual capacity for recalling exactly how it happened.
Did you know that you are totally wrong?
If your brain stored every detail of every memory you ever had, you would be overloaded with information. So instead, to save space, your brain ingeniously edits events and stores what it considers to be important details for you to recall when you need them. And then, when you need that memory, your brain reconstructs what happened around those few important details that were stored in their entirety. It fills in the rest, and it tends to fill it in slighly differently than you'd like. Basically, your brain guesses--usually it guesses pretty well. Sometimes it doesn't.
Read Stumbling on Happiness. Great book. It will make you think twice before you use your own memory in an argument =]
I've done it. You probably have too. Nobody remembers your conversations or escapades quite like you do. You have an unusual capacity for recalling exactly how it happened.
Did you know that you are totally wrong?
If your brain stored every detail of every memory you ever had, you would be overloaded with information. So instead, to save space, your brain ingeniously edits events and stores what it considers to be important details for you to recall when you need them. And then, when you need that memory, your brain reconstructs what happened around those few important details that were stored in their entirety. It fills in the rest, and it tends to fill it in slighly differently than you'd like. Basically, your brain guesses--usually it guesses pretty well. Sometimes it doesn't.
Read Stumbling on Happiness. Great book. It will make you think twice before you use your own memory in an argument =]
the american dream
I think one of the most telling things about our culture is the constant insistence on the "American dream."
You know--the two story house, 2.6 kids, floppy-eared family dog, happy husband/loving wife, and secure job (all of which your next-door neighbor will hopefully be envious of you for, because that makes it so much better). But does it really have anything to do with how many kids you have enclosed in your white picket fence? I really think we put that idea on such a pedestal because we genuinely think that if only we can achieve a certain standard, we would be happy. Or at least happier. That somehow our problems would disappear if things were different, instead of understanding that those problems would probably follow us no matter what house we lived in unless we deal with them. We think more money, less risk, and more stuff would keep us living in bliss for years.
I want to be challenged. I want to try everything and figure out how it works. I want to change something besides the color of my dining room every few years. I want every day to be different than the day before it. I don't want to always know how tomorrow is going to turn out. I want to appreciate people and surround myself with friends who will push me. I don't know that I would mind a little risk in my life, because maybe it has nothing to do with what situation you find yourself in so much as who you find yourself with.
I want appreciate life and find happiness in the strangest places.
You know--the two story house, 2.6 kids, floppy-eared family dog, happy husband/loving wife, and secure job (all of which your next-door neighbor will hopefully be envious of you for, because that makes it so much better). But does it really have anything to do with how many kids you have enclosed in your white picket fence? I really think we put that idea on such a pedestal because we genuinely think that if only we can achieve a certain standard, we would be happy. Or at least happier. That somehow our problems would disappear if things were different, instead of understanding that those problems would probably follow us no matter what house we lived in unless we deal with them. We think more money, less risk, and more stuff would keep us living in bliss for years.
I want to be challenged. I want to try everything and figure out how it works. I want to change something besides the color of my dining room every few years. I want every day to be different than the day before it. I don't want to always know how tomorrow is going to turn out. I want to appreciate people and surround myself with friends who will push me. I don't know that I would mind a little risk in my life, because maybe it has nothing to do with what situation you find yourself in so much as who you find yourself with.
I want appreciate life and find happiness in the strangest places.
7.12.2007
relationship advice (don't worry, i'm not really giving you any)
I'm glad most of my female friends read these. Most of them aren't really all that interesting if you're a boy, I'm sure. Sorry about that.
There is not "standard relationship advice." There isn't. I promise. Similarities and basic principles, yes. But basic principles tend to be just that, and they show up in different ways in different relationships.
People are different. When you put unique people together, you get a unique combination of personalities and interests and needs that really has to be explored and figured out at that point. My schedule, my concerns, my history, my passions aren't yours. Some things are more important to me than they are to others, and some are less. Even if you truly get over things that have happened to you in the past, those things affect what you will look for in the future. Things I can tell you with certainty that I need in a relationship when I'm single might actually be...you guessed it...WRONG. (I'll wait for the shock-and-awe effect to clear =] ). But heck, you might really like those ideas that I had a while ago that aren't all that important to me any more. What works for me probably won't make you all that happy. Because we're all really different. And that's really good.
Maybe I'll get my list back out one day and share it. I do have a list, and I like it--it's a good one.
For me.
There are things on it that I would recommend to anybody...and some that I know are absolutely not going to be compromised in my future relationship(s), though they might not matter at all in yours. Whatever your list ends up looking like, understand that a lot of the effort in your relationship will probably go into figuring out (with that person) what success looks like for the two of you--how your individual personalities work best with one another. In any event, understand that it will take effort.
There is not "standard relationship advice." There isn't. I promise. Similarities and basic principles, yes. But basic principles tend to be just that, and they show up in different ways in different relationships.
People are different. When you put unique people together, you get a unique combination of personalities and interests and needs that really has to be explored and figured out at that point. My schedule, my concerns, my history, my passions aren't yours. Some things are more important to me than they are to others, and some are less. Even if you truly get over things that have happened to you in the past, those things affect what you will look for in the future. Things I can tell you with certainty that I need in a relationship when I'm single might actually be...you guessed it...WRONG. (I'll wait for the shock-and-awe effect to clear =] ). But heck, you might really like those ideas that I had a while ago that aren't all that important to me any more. What works for me probably won't make you all that happy. Because we're all really different. And that's really good.
Maybe I'll get my list back out one day and share it. I do have a list, and I like it--it's a good one.
For me.
There are things on it that I would recommend to anybody...and some that I know are absolutely not going to be compromised in my future relationship(s), though they might not matter at all in yours. Whatever your list ends up looking like, understand that a lot of the effort in your relationship will probably go into figuring out (with that person) what success looks like for the two of you--how your individual personalities work best with one another. In any event, understand that it will take effort.
7.09.2007
genealogy
Today I finally figured out a few things I've never understood, and I thought I'd share because I've never met anyone who knew.
Cousins
The people we have always called our cousins (aunt or uncle's children) are first cousins. They are in your generation and don't share your parents, but they do share your grandparents. Second cousins are those who are in your generation and don't share your grandparents but do share your great-grandparents (one of your grandparents was the sibling of one of their grandparents). I'm sure you can keep going with the third, fourth, etc.
What the heck does "removed" mean?
"Removed" means you go up one generation. For example, your "first cousin once removed" could be your mother's first cousin. Your "grandmother once removed" could technically be your father's grandmother, and your great-grandmother. Your "uncle twice removed" could be your grandfather's uncle.
I also learned that it is spelled "geneAlogy" and not "geneOlogy." Who knew.
Cousins
The people we have always called our cousins (aunt or uncle's children) are first cousins. They are in your generation and don't share your parents, but they do share your grandparents. Second cousins are those who are in your generation and don't share your grandparents but do share your great-grandparents (one of your grandparents was the sibling of one of their grandparents). I'm sure you can keep going with the third, fourth, etc.
What the heck does "removed" mean?
"Removed" means you go up one generation. For example, your "first cousin once removed" could be your mother's first cousin. Your "grandmother once removed" could technically be your father's grandmother, and your great-grandmother. Your "uncle twice removed" could be your grandfather's uncle.
I also learned that it is spelled "geneAlogy" and not "geneOlogy." Who knew.
lessons
What my kids won’t have to learn the hard way, thanks to me:
If your big brother doesn’t like it when you tag along but you decide to do it anyway, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t want to come back and help you right away if you fall and break your arm.
If you live near the woods and you are playing hide-and-seek on some warm summer night, try not to lie in tall weeds for too long. You’ll regret your decision for days as you bathe in anti-itch cream.
If your cat dies and you need to bury him (especially if it’s Thanksgiving, and after dark, and it’s freezing cold and raining outside, and your parents aren’t home), try not to dig the hole near the edge of your property; that’s usually where the power or cable lines are. For your second hole, a good choice is also NOT right behind the tool shed, since all of those light bulbs and power tools need some sort of electricity and that means…more power lines. Sometimes things happen that might need to stay quiet for a few years for personal safety reasons.
Become friends with the lady down the street with the pony.
Shoes and socks are overrated. Except when it’s snowing.
Don’t ever let the ice cream truck (especially if it’s the first one you’ve ever seen) leave without making a purchase, even if the driver promises to come back. You probably won’t ever get the chance again. Be careful who you trust, kid, you might get burned. (Does that sound too bitter? I’m not bitter. I mean it was just ice cream, right? *sigh* )
The trash that hasn’t been taken out in weeks will be emptied the day you accidentally throw away something you desperately need.
The five-second rule on fallen edibles does not apply in all situations. Use wisdom.
That said, the five-second rule is a perfectly acceptable rule.
Kindergarten is not a good time in your life to attempt a relationship with a foreigner. He won’t have much of a choice if his parents decide to move back to France, leaving your tender little heart in pieces.
You really can’t dive into the shallow end of the pool. It always seems like a better idea before you try it than it will immediately afterwards.
Never leave for school without shoes, assuming you left them in the car and you can put them on while waiting to get through the drop-off line at school. You didn’t, and you can’t.
---------
I think my chances of raising some fairly well-adjusted children are looking good.
If your big brother doesn’t like it when you tag along but you decide to do it anyway, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t want to come back and help you right away if you fall and break your arm.
If you live near the woods and you are playing hide-and-seek on some warm summer night, try not to lie in tall weeds for too long. You’ll regret your decision for days as you bathe in anti-itch cream.
If your cat dies and you need to bury him (especially if it’s Thanksgiving, and after dark, and it’s freezing cold and raining outside, and your parents aren’t home), try not to dig the hole near the edge of your property; that’s usually where the power or cable lines are. For your second hole, a good choice is also NOT right behind the tool shed, since all of those light bulbs and power tools need some sort of electricity and that means…more power lines. Sometimes things happen that might need to stay quiet for a few years for personal safety reasons.
Become friends with the lady down the street with the pony.
Shoes and socks are overrated. Except when it’s snowing.
Don’t ever let the ice cream truck (especially if it’s the first one you’ve ever seen) leave without making a purchase, even if the driver promises to come back. You probably won’t ever get the chance again. Be careful who you trust, kid, you might get burned. (Does that sound too bitter? I’m not bitter. I mean it was just ice cream, right? *sigh* )
The trash that hasn’t been taken out in weeks will be emptied the day you accidentally throw away something you desperately need.
The five-second rule on fallen edibles does not apply in all situations. Use wisdom.
That said, the five-second rule is a perfectly acceptable rule.
Kindergarten is not a good time in your life to attempt a relationship with a foreigner. He won’t have much of a choice if his parents decide to move back to France, leaving your tender little heart in pieces.
You really can’t dive into the shallow end of the pool. It always seems like a better idea before you try it than it will immediately afterwards.
Never leave for school without shoes, assuming you left them in the car and you can put them on while waiting to get through the drop-off line at school. You didn’t, and you can’t.
---------
I think my chances of raising some fairly well-adjusted children are looking good.
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