I'd like to think I'm transparent.
I don't hide feelings well, and I talk when I'm upset. My eyes light up when I hear something that excites me or resonates with me. If I look sad and you can't figure out why, it's probably because my "spaced out" face is pretty blank (which is usually the only time you'll see it that way). If you ask, I'll tell you. I don't tell most people everything about my life, but there are those few who hear just about all of it. If I seem happy, I'm happy. If I'm quiet, I'm thinking. If I'm crying, I'm seriously hurt or confused or frustrated. I can fake emotion, but I usually don't pull it off successfully--if I tell you how I feel, you've probably been able to guess already just by looking at me.
I'm a heck of a lot more "emotional" than I like to admit.
I don't deal well with the dramatic, nor do I cry over small things. But I feel deeply, and I take much more to heart than I realize sometimes. I don't do many things without becoming wholly invested in them--so I get really ecstatic when things work, and I crash with them if they fail. I worry more than I should sometimes. Still, I'm not easily offended or angered; if I have a problem, I'll do my best to talk to you about it. I don't like to complain, but I do it sometimes before I realize it and kick myself later. I read too much into things every now and then, but I'll probably never admit it because deep down I know that's not really what you meant. If a really wonderful conversation doesn't have a really good ending, I tend to remember the way you said the last sentence more so than the previous hour's worth of discussion. Tone of voice says more to me than it does to most people.
Basically, no I don't really understand myself. I really don't know what made me write this to be honest. I surprise and even mortify myself sometimes. I'm a weird mix of the rational and the emotional, and sometimes my responses to situations or people are not what even I would have predicted. I know myself much better now than I used to, and it's not that I'm unstable or anything (I know you've been wondering ;-D ), but I'm exactly like everyone else--I color a little outside of my own lines.
8.26.2007
8.25.2007
the most random and thus maybe longest post yet
It is possible to fall in love with an entire city in less than three weeks.
I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my brain from these last two weeks in NOLA. They'll probably turn into several posts over the next month or two. It's amazing how so little time can change you so much!
The truth that you already know can feel so different when you hear it in the comfort and familiarity of home than it does in a place where faith is literally the only hope many people have left. God lives there because He is NEEDED there. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't NEED God more. My physical needs are met, my life is comfortable. It's a lot easier to keep up a prayer life when you rely on prayer to your Provider for most of the basics. One of the first things someone told me about their experiences when I got there was, "God is present with the poor." Personally, I think one of the biggest reasons why Jesus said that it would be difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven is because there is very little reliance on God for our "daily bread." I never imagined that I would start to see God's overwhelming provision in my life as a handicap to my pursuit of Him.
I left my church. Not because I'm mad or because I disagree with them or because I "need a change," but because God is (after 15 years) calling me HERE. The single thing in my life that has consumed most of my energy, passion, prayer, and time over the last 6-7 YEARS is suddenly gone. Not that it has surrendered all claim to my heart, not that I care about those people less, not that I'm going to forget that much of who I am has been formed under the ministry of that youth group, but it's absolutely without a doubt not where I am supposed to be. It's been harder than I let on sometimes. It's not comfortable. It sucks. I'm leaving those who have become my family, some of my best friends, some of the people who have loved me in very tangible ways through all of the worst times in my life. And I can't go back for awhile because I belong here now and the more I go back the more I'm going to have to defend my choice to stay in Clemson--and I need a break from that. I really just hope that everyone understands my heart: that I'm here NOT because it's convenient or more fun than driving home, but because it's a new phase of my life that I don't expect people to necessarily understand. I'm not running away. I'm just running in a different direction. And God is already blessing that.
Another thing I realized today is that it was only when I came to Clemson that I found out who I wanted to be. I spent years idolizing some of the older people in my youth group, wondering why I was never on "their level." I thought I was a failure, that I couldn't get to where they were. Surprise surprise, the problem was that I was chasing God like them. I never realized that being a Christian could look different than it did for some of the kids at Praise Cathedral. It's not wrong, it's just not ME. Unfortunately, I never really understood that until I got here. First you chase God, then God shows you who you are and you know Him in your own way. My spirituality probably looks a little different from yours. Good--we're a little different. I respond to God a little differently than I thought I "should." God created each of us and He knows how to get to each of us best. I just had to come here to find that out...and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. I've been a "Christian" most of my life, and I've been a CHRISTIAN for at least 3 years, and I'm finally understanding what it means to know Jesus.
I'm done for now! I haven't done this in way too long...I'll work on that :)
I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my brain from these last two weeks in NOLA. They'll probably turn into several posts over the next month or two. It's amazing how so little time can change you so much!
The truth that you already know can feel so different when you hear it in the comfort and familiarity of home than it does in a place where faith is literally the only hope many people have left. God lives there because He is NEEDED there. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't NEED God more. My physical needs are met, my life is comfortable. It's a lot easier to keep up a prayer life when you rely on prayer to your Provider for most of the basics. One of the first things someone told me about their experiences when I got there was, "God is present with the poor." Personally, I think one of the biggest reasons why Jesus said that it would be difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven is because there is very little reliance on God for our "daily bread." I never imagined that I would start to see God's overwhelming provision in my life as a handicap to my pursuit of Him.
I left my church. Not because I'm mad or because I disagree with them or because I "need a change," but because God is (after 15 years) calling me HERE. The single thing in my life that has consumed most of my energy, passion, prayer, and time over the last 6-7 YEARS is suddenly gone. Not that it has surrendered all claim to my heart, not that I care about those people less, not that I'm going to forget that much of who I am has been formed under the ministry of that youth group, but it's absolutely without a doubt not where I am supposed to be. It's been harder than I let on sometimes. It's not comfortable. It sucks. I'm leaving those who have become my family, some of my best friends, some of the people who have loved me in very tangible ways through all of the worst times in my life. And I can't go back for awhile because I belong here now and the more I go back the more I'm going to have to defend my choice to stay in Clemson--and I need a break from that. I really just hope that everyone understands my heart: that I'm here NOT because it's convenient or more fun than driving home, but because it's a new phase of my life that I don't expect people to necessarily understand. I'm not running away. I'm just running in a different direction. And God is already blessing that.
Another thing I realized today is that it was only when I came to Clemson that I found out who I wanted to be. I spent years idolizing some of the older people in my youth group, wondering why I was never on "their level." I thought I was a failure, that I couldn't get to where they were. Surprise surprise, the problem was that I was chasing God like them. I never realized that being a Christian could look different than it did for some of the kids at Praise Cathedral. It's not wrong, it's just not ME. Unfortunately, I never really understood that until I got here. First you chase God, then God shows you who you are and you know Him in your own way. My spirituality probably looks a little different from yours. Good--we're a little different. I respond to God a little differently than I thought I "should." God created each of us and He knows how to get to each of us best. I just had to come here to find that out...and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. I've been a "Christian" most of my life, and I've been a CHRISTIAN for at least 3 years, and I'm finally understanding what it means to know Jesus.
I'm done for now! I haven't done this in way too long...I'll work on that :)
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