Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life -- to know and follow hard after You.
...This world is empty, pale, and poor compared to knowing You...
God, make knowing You my single greatest passion. Let me have no greater ambition or plan than to follow in the steps laid out for me that lead me closer to You. Let me measure my choices by what you might approve. Let me live wholly in pursuit of Your heart. Let my confidence be found in hearing Your voice. Let me fall in love with everything You are that I may or may not understand. Teach me what it means to follow You, not just claim You.
Remind me that everything else is empty and colorless and meaningless if You aren't in it.
1.25.2008
1.18.2008
failure
I want to write music.
So what if I've never been good at it, I feel like maybe if I do it wrong enough times in a row then my chances of getting one right increase exponentially.
I think we look at failure the wrong way. I know that unless God intervenes in my creative processes, I will never write a song I think should be recorded--and thus I have failed in my attempts at songwriting. I fail every day, owing God more with every passing hour (that's a great song by the way, LOVE that song). But the truth is, we expect so much from ourselves that we're destined to be discouraged unless we get really honest.
I have no expectations for my music, but I love the process. And the point isn't that I make mistakes...continually. The point is that there is a process going on in my life that is helping me become more like Christ. If I focus on my many failures and what I'm not, I'll never be anything else. If all my energy is expended to beat myself up for being a product of the fall, there won't be any of it left to lift up my eyes to my Creator -- who has not only created me physically, but who is still in the process of creating a follower of His name inside me.
Romans 6 has a beautiful explanation of grace and righteousness. Notice especially that "just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life." WALK IN NEW LIFE. Live like you're free. When you recognize that you aren't bound to your old self any more, you realize that you now have the ability to be righteous where you didn't before -- and it becomes a joy to live righteously. And when you find joy in obedience, that's when you know you're free. You can screw up honestly, many times even, and it can (and should) bother you. But even when you do, you can enjoy the beauty of the process you're experiencing that is bringing you closer every day to what you were meant to be.
And failure really just isn't all that bad.
So what if I've never been good at it, I feel like maybe if I do it wrong enough times in a row then my chances of getting one right increase exponentially.
I think we look at failure the wrong way. I know that unless God intervenes in my creative processes, I will never write a song I think should be recorded--and thus I have failed in my attempts at songwriting. I fail every day, owing God more with every passing hour (that's a great song by the way, LOVE that song). But the truth is, we expect so much from ourselves that we're destined to be discouraged unless we get really honest.
I have no expectations for my music, but I love the process. And the point isn't that I make mistakes...continually. The point is that there is a process going on in my life that is helping me become more like Christ. If I focus on my many failures and what I'm not, I'll never be anything else. If all my energy is expended to beat myself up for being a product of the fall, there won't be any of it left to lift up my eyes to my Creator -- who has not only created me physically, but who is still in the process of creating a follower of His name inside me.
Romans 6 has a beautiful explanation of grace and righteousness. Notice especially that "just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life." WALK IN NEW LIFE. Live like you're free. When you recognize that you aren't bound to your old self any more, you realize that you now have the ability to be righteous where you didn't before -- and it becomes a joy to live righteously. And when you find joy in obedience, that's when you know you're free. You can screw up honestly, many times even, and it can (and should) bother you. But even when you do, you can enjoy the beauty of the process you're experiencing that is bringing you closer every day to what you were meant to be.
And failure really just isn't all that bad.
1.02.2008
strength
I doubt I will ever think I'm strong.
I know for a fact, however, that I get so much of the strength I do have from some wonderful people. God has never left me, but he has also rarely left me without human hands to hold or arms to hold me. I have the opportunity to break down and give out and fall over and show every weakness in me knowing that I have a place to do so, but I also have help when I do get back up and get it together and make decisions and move forward. I've learned more about what God's love is from these relationships than I ever expected to: I'm not supposed to fix it. In fact, GOD isn't supposed to "fix" it. It's ok to cry. Hard. It's ok to feel lost sometimes. It's ok to feel things and think things you don't want to. Because love meets you where you are and waits until you can find a way to stand up before it pushes you forward. You will move forward, and you will be able to do what you need to and face the very problems that brought you to your knees in the first place with the confidence of not being alone.
So I've learned that I can be strong when I don't look like it, feel like it, act like it...I can be strong because I let go of it long enough to lose control for a minute. And the world didn't end. When I took my hands off of it, guess what -- nothing fell apart but me. I know it can and will happen again, because I'm just not the kind of person who can stay busy enough to always keep up my morale when I'm frustrated or scared. But tears aren't weakness, they're a release and a recognition of where I end.
So when I ended, I found people who loved me. A lot. In the right ways and in the best ways they knew how. I can write this because I have a God who has given me grace enough to stand when His strength is all I have, but who so often chooses to hold me up with people I can only hope to give to one day the way they have given to me.
I know for a fact, however, that I get so much of the strength I do have from some wonderful people. God has never left me, but he has also rarely left me without human hands to hold or arms to hold me. I have the opportunity to break down and give out and fall over and show every weakness in me knowing that I have a place to do so, but I also have help when I do get back up and get it together and make decisions and move forward. I've learned more about what God's love is from these relationships than I ever expected to: I'm not supposed to fix it. In fact, GOD isn't supposed to "fix" it. It's ok to cry. Hard. It's ok to feel lost sometimes. It's ok to feel things and think things you don't want to. Because love meets you where you are and waits until you can find a way to stand up before it pushes you forward. You will move forward, and you will be able to do what you need to and face the very problems that brought you to your knees in the first place with the confidence of not being alone.
So I've learned that I can be strong when I don't look like it, feel like it, act like it...I can be strong because I let go of it long enough to lose control for a minute. And the world didn't end. When I took my hands off of it, guess what -- nothing fell apart but me. I know it can and will happen again, because I'm just not the kind of person who can stay busy enough to always keep up my morale when I'm frustrated or scared. But tears aren't weakness, they're a release and a recognition of where I end.
So when I ended, I found people who loved me. A lot. In the right ways and in the best ways they knew how. I can write this because I have a God who has given me grace enough to stand when His strength is all I have, but who so often chooses to hold me up with people I can only hope to give to one day the way they have given to me.
12.17.2007
how you see me
Guys, let me give you a clue about us girls: good or bad, whether we want to or not, most of us spend a good amount of time wondering what you think of us.
I wonder what my dad thinks of me. I want him to look at his little girl and be proud, to know that the daughter he raised is not just your typical average "good girl."
I wonder what my brother thinks of me. I want him to be excited that he gets to be stuck with me for the rest of his life :)
I wonder what the guys I pass every day that I don't know think of me. I want them to be able to tell there's something different in the way I present myself to the world.
I wonder what the guys in my classes (since there are so flippin many of them) think of me. I want the way I look and dress and act and speak to be respectable and representative of the person God intended me to be.
I wonder what my boyfriend thinks of me. I want him to know he can trust me and be proud of who I am.
I wonder what my friends think of me. I want them to be able to say that they respect my opinions and value my friendship.
Bottom line--I care about what you think. But only because if I try to look at myself through your eyes, I can learn a lot about who I am and what I need to change. I tend to think about how you see me because I know what I would like for you to see. And as a female who is learning how you guys see us, I am even more determined to never be anything but confident and respectable in the eyes of the men in my life. I don't want to flirt all the time or be too touchy, be overly needy or dependent, dress in a way that makes the visual battle guys fight any harder, find my worth in any relationship, be shallow or selfish, think I need to put lots of effort into how I look, or get jealous of girls who are prettier than I am. I spent a lot of time caring far too much about the world's perception of me. Now I only want to care if your experiences with me reflect the person I am striving to become.
I wonder what my dad thinks of me. I want him to look at his little girl and be proud, to know that the daughter he raised is not just your typical average "good girl."
I wonder what my brother thinks of me. I want him to be excited that he gets to be stuck with me for the rest of his life :)
I wonder what the guys I pass every day that I don't know think of me. I want them to be able to tell there's something different in the way I present myself to the world.
I wonder what the guys in my classes (since there are so flippin many of them) think of me. I want the way I look and dress and act and speak to be respectable and representative of the person God intended me to be.
I wonder what my boyfriend thinks of me. I want him to know he can trust me and be proud of who I am.
I wonder what my friends think of me. I want them to be able to say that they respect my opinions and value my friendship.
Bottom line--I care about what you think. But only because if I try to look at myself through your eyes, I can learn a lot about who I am and what I need to change. I tend to think about how you see me because I know what I would like for you to see. And as a female who is learning how you guys see us, I am even more determined to never be anything but confident and respectable in the eyes of the men in my life. I don't want to flirt all the time or be too touchy, be overly needy or dependent, dress in a way that makes the visual battle guys fight any harder, find my worth in any relationship, be shallow or selfish, think I need to put lots of effort into how I look, or get jealous of girls who are prettier than I am. I spent a lot of time caring far too much about the world's perception of me. Now I only want to care if your experiences with me reflect the person I am striving to become.
12.15.2007
break!
Normal people spend 1/3 of their lives sleeping (college doesn't count). Why? You're not conscious, nor are you getting anything valuable from it. God could've made us to recharge in an hour or two and get at least 20 good hours of productivity in.
But he didn't.
He made us to need rest, to burn out if we push it too hard, to enjoy the time we have that isn't spent doing anything. It isn't laziness, it's necessity. I'm definitely looking forward to my time in the next few weeks doing nothing but loving my family, seeing some of my favorite people, and...wait, I think there was something else...
Oh yes. SLEEPING.
:)
But he didn't.
He made us to need rest, to burn out if we push it too hard, to enjoy the time we have that isn't spent doing anything. It isn't laziness, it's necessity. I'm definitely looking forward to my time in the next few weeks doing nothing but loving my family, seeing some of my favorite people, and...wait, I think there was something else...
Oh yes. SLEEPING.
:)
11.19.2007
:-D
I know I exaggerate a lot. I get excited about things and people and ideas, and they suddenly become the best or the most wonderful or the end all and be all of the human experience. I will make no apologies tonight, though I am considering it in the future. For now, I'm just going to do it again.
I heard my former youth pastor give THE BEST sermon I've ever heard him give a few months ago. This comes from almost seven years of sitting under his ministry, and he's a good preacher. I remembered it today, and I want to share it with you. The main idea--God often describes people in the Bible in one sentence or a few short verses. David, Abraham, Jabez, everybody in Hebrews 11...
God rarely sees in us what we do. He knows us, from the beginning of time to the end of eternity, and doesn't judge with our standards. If God were to sum me up in one sentence, I'm not always sure that I would like it. But I do know what I want Him to say:
THAT woman makes me smile!
Maybe it's because I consider joy to be of great value. Because when I found it, my life changed. Because I know how much of an impact it makes on just about everyone. If the entirety of my life, from God's perspective, became a source of joy for him...if my words and the meditations of my heart are pleasing...if my character and integrity made him proud...if my life reflected such purity that my offerings were sweet...if something about my heart so touched his that the only response was a smile...
Jesus, let me live my life that way. Help me wholeheartedly pursue your satisfaction with me. I miss it so many times, but I believe that the measure of my character in your eyes is in how quickly I get back up and how good I am at walking around that same hole next time I come to it. Help me live so close to your heart that I know when I'm breaking it and when thoughts of me make you smile.
I heard my former youth pastor give THE BEST sermon I've ever heard him give a few months ago. This comes from almost seven years of sitting under his ministry, and he's a good preacher. I remembered it today, and I want to share it with you. The main idea--God often describes people in the Bible in one sentence or a few short verses. David, Abraham, Jabez, everybody in Hebrews 11...
God rarely sees in us what we do. He knows us, from the beginning of time to the end of eternity, and doesn't judge with our standards. If God were to sum me up in one sentence, I'm not always sure that I would like it. But I do know what I want Him to say:
THAT woman makes me smile!
Maybe it's because I consider joy to be of great value. Because when I found it, my life changed. Because I know how much of an impact it makes on just about everyone. If the entirety of my life, from God's perspective, became a source of joy for him...if my words and the meditations of my heart are pleasing...if my character and integrity made him proud...if my life reflected such purity that my offerings were sweet...if something about my heart so touched his that the only response was a smile...
Jesus, let me live my life that way. Help me wholeheartedly pursue your satisfaction with me. I miss it so many times, but I believe that the measure of my character in your eyes is in how quickly I get back up and how good I am at walking around that same hole next time I come to it. Help me live so close to your heart that I know when I'm breaking it and when thoughts of me make you smile.
11.17.2007
not hoping for the future, but hoping in spite of the past.
This is such a fantastic post to follow the previous. God balances me sometimes.
I know we are broken people, in a broken world, with all kinds of scars and baggage following all of us. But there are days when I would just rather forget mine and pretend that I don't know so much about everybody else's. I want to pretend that we're all just so "blessed with the joy of Jesus" and that nobody has to glue a smile over all the memories of where they came from.
It never ceases to amaze me how degraded and...well...human we are. I forget that the people I laugh with have cried, that those I wrap my arms around have been hit by someone else's, that confidence can be a way to escape the knowledge that they actually hate themselves for their mistakes. The truth is, I know so little about so many people. I know who they are and who they've been since I've met them (a little of it at least). I know what they tell me. People know of me what I tell them too. I don't know how God deals with all the pain we feel ourselves and cause Him as well. Everybody has a story. And we've all wanted to rip pages out.
I will never look down on you because of your history, because I am far from perfect and put together. I will never not want to know your story, because I've met a healer beyond my greatest comprehension and I'd love to introduce him to you. He has rescued me from myself, cried with me, loved me, freed me, and has ever since been restoring my life to me in ways you could never imagine.
Well, actually... maybe you could. We're just not that different.
I know we are broken people, in a broken world, with all kinds of scars and baggage following all of us. But there are days when I would just rather forget mine and pretend that I don't know so much about everybody else's. I want to pretend that we're all just so "blessed with the joy of Jesus" and that nobody has to glue a smile over all the memories of where they came from.
It never ceases to amaze me how degraded and...well...human we are. I forget that the people I laugh with have cried, that those I wrap my arms around have been hit by someone else's, that confidence can be a way to escape the knowledge that they actually hate themselves for their mistakes. The truth is, I know so little about so many people. I know who they are and who they've been since I've met them (a little of it at least). I know what they tell me. People know of me what I tell them too. I don't know how God deals with all the pain we feel ourselves and cause Him as well. Everybody has a story. And we've all wanted to rip pages out.
I will never look down on you because of your history, because I am far from perfect and put together. I will never not want to know your story, because I've met a healer beyond my greatest comprehension and I'd love to introduce him to you. He has rescued me from myself, cried with me, loved me, freed me, and has ever since been restoring my life to me in ways you could never imagine.
Well, actually... maybe you could. We're just not that different.
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