so....I haven't done this in awhile?

I miss writing. It took several people and much deliberation before I was finally convinced that I need to do this occasionally :) I realized recently that I write much much better than I speak, maybe because I have time to think about it and I can always change it until it sounds the way I want it too--either way, it's not like I have any career aspirations for this or anything like that. But I do like it.

You know what else I miss? People! Several have moved away, many are just not with me either just for the time being or for the summer. I miss my family back home: and by home I mean Clemson. I look back at the girl who moved boxes and boxes of books and socks and hair products and whatever else into her first dorm room last fall, and the girl who moved those same things out a few weeks ago is very different. What I consider home is completely different. The more people I talk to about it, the more I realize that too many of my friends are surprised by how much they've changed. I'm GLAD I'm different, and I was waiting for it.

I'm not where I want to be, but then again who is? I'm a little torn between wishing I knew then what I know now and yet still understanding what a beautiful thing this year has been. Most of the time I'm sure that many of the things that have changed about me have gone unnoticed to everyone but me, because it's my perspectives that have changed. I can't say that I know what I want out of life, but I do know that I would rather not know where I'm going now; I'm learning how much more amazing it is to allow God to leave you blindfolded.

I'm a hand-holder for sure. I will never know why, but it's a comfort issue. It means something to me. Like my 13-year-old good friend once told me, "Anybody can kiss you. Only somebody who really likes you will hold your hand; you can still talk to them that way." Ok I'll admit when she said that I laughed, but I have to give her a lot of credit. She's a smart cookie. So the image of God allowing me to cling to His hand is beautiful to me, because it means that when I fall I have a hand to help me up; when I cry I have a hand to wipe away my tears; when I need guidance, I have only to trust where that hand is leading me. And I always, in any situation, can slide my hand into His and know that I am deeply loved.

I feel like I'm always learning how to fall in love. Like God is teaching me how to love Him. And it makes sense; true love is not an emotion, it is, among other things, a constant effort to learn how that person needs you to care for them. The best way to find out how they need to be loved is to learn that individual inside and out. If our relationships are supposed to be a reflection of the many different ways God loves us, doesn't it make sense that we can learn over and over again how to fall more deeply in love with Him just by knowing Him better?

I think I've thought enough for one night...goodnight to all of you, I love you :)