I've learned that what you dream of rarely turns out the way you plan it or imagine...sometimes better than you could ever expect, sometimes you get disappointed. But here it is - what I dream of for my life.
~A life fully devoted to my Savior. Every morning waking up, as my mom would say, with a song of worship in my heart and in my head. Seeing God's hand move in the lives of the people around me, and watching him infuse our lives with his reality and his tangible/visible presence. I won't compromise this one.
~Leaving this world with the love of one man, a relationship that above all else has pointed me consistently in the direction of the true divine romance, still a very real part of me after years of the world cutting in. Serving and adoring and being pursued by my best friend. Fighting for it. And being able to look my husband in the eye seventy years from now and say that he's still the greatest and most passionate love affair of my life and that our wedding day was the most distant we ever felt from each other from that point on.
~I want to adopt children. Don't ask me how many, I don't know. But children who have no family need excesses of love, and that is one thing I can give them in abundance.
~Turning a highly-paid, grossly mis-motivated industry into a career with a purpose to serve and aid and love people the way Jesus loves them.
~Being surrounded by people I respect, love, and am challenged/encouraged by on a daily basis. Basically having amazing friends, and not just while I'm in college and unmarried.
~Having a dog. Not any time soon, but I really like the idea of a morning walk with my dog. Not tiny sissy dogs - "robust" enough to still be a respectable and outdoor activity-loving canine, but not so big he won't be perfectly happy with me hugging him all the time. I'm a cuddler. I expect my dog to be. Is that so much to ask?
~Having adventures. Exploring. Traveling. Pushing my own limits from time to time. Trespassing.
Did I say that?
~Staying healthy and enjoying life outside of my living room. I'm actually kind of the outdoors type. Surprise!
~Having a close-knit family. My kids are going to be really good friends with their cousins. I'm going to talk to my brother regularly and we're going to spend holidays together. No matter where I am or what country my mom's in, I'm never going to be too old to be her little girl or to need her advice. All of that is kind of (very) important to me.
~I plan on singing until the day I die. All for Jesus. I made that commitment years ago.
~I want to be the best mom of all time. I have a really high standard to live up to...thanks Mom, you made my job harder :)
~I don't ever - EVER - want to stop believing that anything is possible, or that life is good, or that I should be an idealist.
Ephesians 3:20-21
4.30.2008
4.28.2008
it's a small world after all...
I am so thankful for technology and easy communication and freedom of travel.
Because of all of that, I can successfully keep up a relationship from 1500 miles away (coming up on six months in about 11 days...hip hip hooray!). Because of it, I am spending the summer getting awesome experience and learning from some ridiculously brilliant people half a country away. Because of it, I can go experience the world and make decisions on my own while knowing that if and when my family needs me, I'm just a plane ride away. I can live my own life and still call my mom every night for advice if I need to.
Maybe it takes the daunting difficulty out of striking out on your own. I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that.
:)
Because of all of that, I can successfully keep up a relationship from 1500 miles away (coming up on six months in about 11 days...hip hip hooray!). Because of it, I am spending the summer getting awesome experience and learning from some ridiculously brilliant people half a country away. Because of it, I can go experience the world and make decisions on my own while knowing that if and when my family needs me, I'm just a plane ride away. I can live my own life and still call my mom every night for advice if I need to.
Maybe it takes the daunting difficulty out of striking out on your own. I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that.
:)
4.25.2008
worth
The best things in life have “do not enter” signs on them.
Whether that’s because there’s a certain thrill and sense of adventure in challenging the rules that makes the forbidden seem sweeter or because it actual IS better, I can’t say. I do know that if you want something to be left alone, don’t try to lock it up tight or put up warning signs – you’re just tipping potential trespassers off to the location of what they want.
The things that not everyone is willing to sacrifice for.
The things that not everyone is aware of.
The things that make the effort, the time, the fears, the risks, and the losses all worth it when you finally get behind the closed door.
What’s worth it to you? Why not go after it that much harder, knowing that nothing truly worth the effort requires none.
4.22.2008
permanent motion
"What is fundamentally important to you creates motion."
I heard that several years ago, and I remembered it because it didn't make a whole lot of sense. Lots of things create motion in my life simply because I worry that if I don't DO them, the lack of doing will ruin everything. They aren't what really matters to me.
But that's not what that statement means. Some things in life create violent motion that stops when the momentum dies. They don't push hard enough. Others -- the important ones that matter -- create permanent motion. Some people, professors maybe, push and you study for a test for six hours (and that seems really important at the time). Some people say one word that alters the choices you make for the next six years, who keep you coming back time and time again to the things they taught you without realizing it.
Some people were meant to shake you up for a while, few were meant to permanently and persistently knock you off your feet.
You can't always control situations in life, or who enters or exits it. Sometimes they make a huge positive or negative impact that you weren't expecting. Don't get fixated on the temporarily spectacular, thinking that it will last. Instead find those who will gently but unyieldingly push you in the right direction, challenge you quietly, whose very presence creates a desire to move forward and become more than you are.
Temporary impact goes a long way at this point in life. Everything feels so urgent and fundamentally life-altering. But it's a ripple effect...one event that creates temporary turbulence. Never confuse it for the waves, the subtle but powerful things that will keep you moving after the ripples are gone.
I heard that several years ago, and I remembered it because it didn't make a whole lot of sense. Lots of things create motion in my life simply because I worry that if I don't DO them, the lack of doing will ruin everything. They aren't what really matters to me.
But that's not what that statement means. Some things in life create violent motion that stops when the momentum dies. They don't push hard enough. Others -- the important ones that matter -- create permanent motion. Some people, professors maybe, push and you study for a test for six hours (and that seems really important at the time). Some people say one word that alters the choices you make for the next six years, who keep you coming back time and time again to the things they taught you without realizing it.
Some people were meant to shake you up for a while, few were meant to permanently and persistently knock you off your feet.
You can't always control situations in life, or who enters or exits it. Sometimes they make a huge positive or negative impact that you weren't expecting. Don't get fixated on the temporarily spectacular, thinking that it will last. Instead find those who will gently but unyieldingly push you in the right direction, challenge you quietly, whose very presence creates a desire to move forward and become more than you are.
Temporary impact goes a long way at this point in life. Everything feels so urgent and fundamentally life-altering. But it's a ripple effect...one event that creates temporary turbulence. Never confuse it for the waves, the subtle but powerful things that will keep you moving after the ripples are gone.
4.16.2008
paint your picket fence
Somewhere along the way, the American dream became less about the white picket fence and a middle class job. Instead of aspiring to a life with all of your choices made easier for you, we instead hope for the ability to make MORE choices.
The beauty of abundant higher education is that you can choose what you want to be educated in. As time has gone on, students have discovered that you never really even have to be locked into the major you chose first (or second, or fifth...even if it's been three or four years...who wants to leave college anyway??). You can choose to get any of a variety of graduate degrees, even if they have nothing to do with what you studied in undergrad. You can choose any state you'd like to live in, any spouse you'd like to marry, whether or not to switch to someone else's spouse mid-game, no children or twelve, a job with NASA or on Wall street or learning how to scuba dive to clean the tanks at the local aquarium (I didn't make that up). You can choose anything.
Fewer and fewer people care about keeping up with the Joneses, because that means making the same choices as the Joneses. Everybody wants to be able to make their own choices. A really great option might become hideous in the eyes of someone being forced to take it. Happiness is being increasingly defined by the variability of your life, and how free you are to change it (whether you want to, or plan to, or not).
Don't get me wrong, people still kind of like the white picket fence. They just really like knowing they could paint it metallic periwinkle if they so desired.
The beauty of abundant higher education is that you can choose what you want to be educated in. As time has gone on, students have discovered that you never really even have to be locked into the major you chose first (or second, or fifth...even if it's been three or four years...who wants to leave college anyway??). You can choose to get any of a variety of graduate degrees, even if they have nothing to do with what you studied in undergrad. You can choose any state you'd like to live in, any spouse you'd like to marry, whether or not to switch to someone else's spouse mid-game, no children or twelve, a job with NASA or on Wall street or learning how to scuba dive to clean the tanks at the local aquarium (I didn't make that up). You can choose anything.
Fewer and fewer people care about keeping up with the Joneses, because that means making the same choices as the Joneses. Everybody wants to be able to make their own choices. A really great option might become hideous in the eyes of someone being forced to take it. Happiness is being increasingly defined by the variability of your life, and how free you are to change it (whether you want to, or plan to, or not).
Don't get me wrong, people still kind of like the white picket fence. They just really like knowing they could paint it metallic periwinkle if they so desired.
4.15.2008
prayer
So many times God has taught me things by using me to teach them to others. Have you ever found yourself giving someone advice that you didn't actually know before it came out of your mouth?
I found myself talking about struggling through prayer with God. How Abraham literally fought with God over the destruction of an entire city and GOD CHANGED HIS MIND. More than once. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not." Not, "you have not because you don't ask the right way." God knows what you feel, when you heart is breaking and when you don't understand. I don't know all of the details, but I know that there are things that God can't/won't do because he can find no one to be the intercessor. If you don't pray because you are afraid your prayer is selfish, you could be missing something huge. God will use the very prayer you are praying for that thing to be done to prepare you and allow you to trust him when it doesn't happen. How can you believe that God has sovereign judgment when you have never wrestled with it enough to give it completely over to his control? When you know in your heart that you've fought hard enough and pleaded long enough and poured your heart out enough that God knows and hears you, you'll be able to trust that what he ends up doing was for the best. Believe that God's heart is moved by his children's pleas. When you know that God has heard you, it will be easier to have peace that what happens in your life WILL turn out for the best. That your will is not best. That because you struggled so hard, God MUST have a more sovereign plan or surely he would have given you what you requested.
Prayer is patient and demanding, humble and confident, pleading and begging and stating fact and stating opinion. Feeling and passion. Confusion and enlightenment and pain and heartbreak and comfort and rest. Release and burden. Hurt and healing. Questions and answers and more questions. But above all, learning to communicate ALL of that to a God who wants to hear it. Who created you to fight with him. Who created you to change things with him, not just narrate them to him.
How disappointed must God be when we, his bride and his passion, pray as though he can't or won't move when we ask him?
I found myself talking about struggling through prayer with God. How Abraham literally fought with God over the destruction of an entire city and GOD CHANGED HIS MIND. More than once. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not." Not, "you have not because you don't ask the right way." God knows what you feel, when you heart is breaking and when you don't understand. I don't know all of the details, but I know that there are things that God can't/won't do because he can find no one to be the intercessor. If you don't pray because you are afraid your prayer is selfish, you could be missing something huge. God will use the very prayer you are praying for that thing to be done to prepare you and allow you to trust him when it doesn't happen. How can you believe that God has sovereign judgment when you have never wrestled with it enough to give it completely over to his control? When you know in your heart that you've fought hard enough and pleaded long enough and poured your heart out enough that God knows and hears you, you'll be able to trust that what he ends up doing was for the best. Believe that God's heart is moved by his children's pleas. When you know that God has heard you, it will be easier to have peace that what happens in your life WILL turn out for the best. That your will is not best. That because you struggled so hard, God MUST have a more sovereign plan or surely he would have given you what you requested.
Prayer is patient and demanding, humble and confident, pleading and begging and stating fact and stating opinion. Feeling and passion. Confusion and enlightenment and pain and heartbreak and comfort and rest. Release and burden. Hurt and healing. Questions and answers and more questions. But above all, learning to communicate ALL of that to a God who wants to hear it. Who created you to fight with him. Who created you to change things with him, not just narrate them to him.
How disappointed must God be when we, his bride and his passion, pray as though he can't or won't move when we ask him?
4.02.2008
newness
As of about 5:10 this afternoon, I am officially Covidien/Valleylab's newest summer intern.
What does that mean? Basically I get to move to Boulder, Colorado for the summer and work for a medical research company on electrosurgical devices. Kinda crazy, huh??
I'm more than excited. Ok, I'm not going to lie, being able to see Josh on a somewhat regular basis (as I will probably be living less than 15 minutes from his house) is a big plus. But all of that aside, this is absolutely the best opportunity I found out there, and I can't wait to start learning and being challenged because this will DEFINITELY be a challenge.
I'm scared. And excited and expectant, but somewhat overwhelmed and shocked. I almost didn't believe her when she offered me the job. After however many questions I didn't answer well or how much I don't know or how much more effort it takes for them to hire me instead of someone local or how little experience I have...they wanted me. With this on my resume, and with the kind of experience it seems that I will be getting, I could get a great job almost anywhere when I graduate, not to mention I would have a better-than-average shot at one with Covidien if I do well.
I want to change the world. I think there is something to be said for getting an excellent education and gaining good experience for the purpose of turning it back around and changing life for the better for someone who needs it. I was sitting in that office Monday excited beyond belief because I was really becoming fascinated by what they are working on. I LOVE ENGINEERING. It's not just a series of equations and bouts of test anxiety on the path to a degree. I love what I'm learning, and I love the challenge. And I am pretty dang excited that one day I can use all of that passion and interest to change someone's life, and then be able to tell them that Jesus loves them in practical ways that meet their most desperate physical needs, not just in theory or in some hyper-spiritual repetitious ideal. I guess I've fallen for the idea that God never gives us anything to be used selfishly -- and if I've been blessed to be this passionate about something, I really want to use it to bring life or joy or comfort to someone whose life would be forever altered by it.
And that's happening. I can't believe I'm actually starting out into this new adventure that used to be just a really cool thought.
God has been far too good to me.
What does that mean? Basically I get to move to Boulder, Colorado for the summer and work for a medical research company on electrosurgical devices. Kinda crazy, huh??
I'm more than excited. Ok, I'm not going to lie, being able to see Josh on a somewhat regular basis (as I will probably be living less than 15 minutes from his house) is a big plus. But all of that aside, this is absolutely the best opportunity I found out there, and I can't wait to start learning and being challenged because this will DEFINITELY be a challenge.
I'm scared. And excited and expectant, but somewhat overwhelmed and shocked. I almost didn't believe her when she offered me the job. After however many questions I didn't answer well or how much I don't know or how much more effort it takes for them to hire me instead of someone local or how little experience I have...they wanted me. With this on my resume, and with the kind of experience it seems that I will be getting, I could get a great job almost anywhere when I graduate, not to mention I would have a better-than-average shot at one with Covidien if I do well.
I want to change the world. I think there is something to be said for getting an excellent education and gaining good experience for the purpose of turning it back around and changing life for the better for someone who needs it. I was sitting in that office Monday excited beyond belief because I was really becoming fascinated by what they are working on. I LOVE ENGINEERING. It's not just a series of equations and bouts of test anxiety on the path to a degree. I love what I'm learning, and I love the challenge. And I am pretty dang excited that one day I can use all of that passion and interest to change someone's life, and then be able to tell them that Jesus loves them in practical ways that meet their most desperate physical needs, not just in theory or in some hyper-spiritual repetitious ideal. I guess I've fallen for the idea that God never gives us anything to be used selfishly -- and if I've been blessed to be this passionate about something, I really want to use it to bring life or joy or comfort to someone whose life would be forever altered by it.
And that's happening. I can't believe I'm actually starting out into this new adventure that used to be just a really cool thought.
God has been far too good to me.
4.01.2008
the same one twice
I'm finally finishing one of the posts I started a few weeks ago...
I fall down, over and over, and I get good at being so angry with myself for falling into the same hole that I almost begin to think that it's MY HOLE, why shouldn't I fall into it? At least it's not THAT hole, that one looks bad. But I'm not actually going make the effort to avoid it because I might mess something else up, and at least this hole I know how to get back out of. I get fairly proud of myself that at least it's just this one, and I spend so much time dragging myself back out of it that I don't actually have time to find a new one anyway.
I remember hearing recently... "I'm just going to accept that I'm going to make mistakes. But I'm determined never to make the same mistake twice."
I can convince myself all I want to that falling into one hole over and over again is better than different ones every day, but see that's just not how it works. By saying that I'm never going to break out of it, I'm not saying that I don't believe in my ability to be better. I'm saying that I don't believe God can change me. I'm not doubting myself, because when I was saved I basically admitted that there's nothing good in me at all and that I am not reliable or righteous on my own and never will be. I'm actually doubting that I was ever free from unrighteousness at all. Doubting that salvation is freedom from bondage and instead saying that it is only freedom from the past.
Christians are allowed to mess up, but we have been given a power we never had before to stay out of slavery to those things by falling into them over and over again. We will sin, and we know it. But we are free from slavery to sin. Free from the idea that "that's just who I am." Not only are we free from it, we have a responsibility to recognize that and act accordingly.
The only reason I fall into the same hole is because no matter how much I tell myself I will do better next time, I put myself in the situation of making the decision in the moment I'm weakest. So I think I'm going to put up a fence. Just in case I get close to the hole again and decide to accidentally trip or something, for old times' sake.
I fall down, over and over, and I get good at being so angry with myself for falling into the same hole that I almost begin to think that it's MY HOLE, why shouldn't I fall into it? At least it's not THAT hole, that one looks bad. But I'm not actually going make the effort to avoid it because I might mess something else up, and at least this hole I know how to get back out of. I get fairly proud of myself that at least it's just this one, and I spend so much time dragging myself back out of it that I don't actually have time to find a new one anyway.
I remember hearing recently... "I'm just going to accept that I'm going to make mistakes. But I'm determined never to make the same mistake twice."
I can convince myself all I want to that falling into one hole over and over again is better than different ones every day, but see that's just not how it works. By saying that I'm never going to break out of it, I'm not saying that I don't believe in my ability to be better. I'm saying that I don't believe God can change me. I'm not doubting myself, because when I was saved I basically admitted that there's nothing good in me at all and that I am not reliable or righteous on my own and never will be. I'm actually doubting that I was ever free from unrighteousness at all. Doubting that salvation is freedom from bondage and instead saying that it is only freedom from the past.
Christians are allowed to mess up, but we have been given a power we never had before to stay out of slavery to those things by falling into them over and over again. We will sin, and we know it. But we are free from slavery to sin. Free from the idea that "that's just who I am." Not only are we free from it, we have a responsibility to recognize that and act accordingly.
The only reason I fall into the same hole is because no matter how much I tell myself I will do better next time, I put myself in the situation of making the decision in the moment I'm weakest. So I think I'm going to put up a fence. Just in case I get close to the hole again and decide to accidentally trip or something, for old times' sake.
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