the same one twice

I'm finally finishing one of the posts I started a few weeks ago...


I fall down, over and over, and I get good at being so angry with myself for falling into the same hole that I almost begin to think that it's MY HOLE, why shouldn't I fall into it? At least it's not THAT hole, that one looks bad. But I'm not actually going make the effort to avoid it because I might mess something else up, and at least this hole I know how to get back out of. I get fairly proud of myself that at least it's just this one, and I spend so much time dragging myself back out of it that I don't actually have time to find a new one anyway.

I remember hearing recently... "I'm just going to accept that I'm going to make mistakes. But I'm determined never to make the same mistake twice."

I can convince myself all I want to that falling into one hole over and over again is better than different ones every day, but see that's just not how it works. By saying that I'm never going to break out of it, I'm not saying that I don't believe in my ability to be better. I'm saying that I don't believe God can change me. I'm not doubting myself, because when I was saved I basically admitted that there's nothing good in me at all and that I am not reliable or righteous on my own and never will be. I'm actually doubting that I was ever free from unrighteousness at all. Doubting that salvation is freedom from bondage and instead saying that it is only freedom from the past.

Christians are allowed to mess up, but we have been given a power we never had before to stay out of slavery to those things by falling into them over and over again. We will sin, and we know it. But we are free from slavery to sin. Free from the idea that "that's just who I am." Not only are we free from it, we have a responsibility to recognize that and act accordingly.

The only reason I fall into the same hole is because no matter how much I tell myself I will do better next time, I put myself in the situation of making the decision in the moment I'm weakest. So I think I'm going to put up a fence. Just in case I get close to the hole again and decide to accidentally trip or something, for old times' sake.