I'm now the girl who passed out on the concrete floor at the quarterly company meeting and had to be taken to the emergency room for a few stitches. Which is REALLY good to be when you're the two-week-old intern.
No worries folks, I just have a pretty awesome bruise on my jaw where my stitches are. I got the day off of work, and lots of sympathy :) You know it's good when both of your bosses pick you up from the hospital and take you home.
A few tips I've learned from experience today:
1) Eat more than cereal for breakfast.
2) Drink LOTS of water, not just a little bit.
3) Don't lock your knees when you have to stand at the back of a presentation for a long time.
4) If you start to feel warm and dizzy, SIT DOWN. The fall will be a lot shorter.
5) If you want to be more than just the lowly nameless intern in the basement, black out in front of everyone in your company except the president (who had just left and will likely hear about it) and get taken off in an ambulance.
6) Try to sit down if you're being shown videos of a surgery. Even if you're not squeamish about blood, a combination of several of the above problems might take you out.
7) Have a sense of humor when you completely humiliate yourself.
8) Work for the kind of supervisors who will drive to the hospital, sit with you, and take you home (which I do) and with the kind of people who will call you to see if you want to go get ice cream after they get off work since you're new in town and don't know many people (also, I do).
Fortunately, I am blessed to work for great (and compassionate) people who are really concerned about me and just want me to get better. So for now I'm just going to eat lots of mashed potatoes and soup and get my 5 stitches out in a few days.
Oh, and for the record...I'M NOT PREGNANT (this is the first question at least 10 people will ask you if you pass out and go to the hospital). Just in case you were wondering.
:)
5.29.2008
5.26.2008
boulder
I've been living in Boulder, Colorado for a little over two weeks now...crazy, isn't it?
I have a phenomenal roommate, Katie. We haven't crossed paths a whole lot recently, but I'm really looking forward to staying with her this summer. I live just a few blocks away from the pedestrian mall downtown and within walking distance from a ton of cool stuff. My job is amazing and I'm learning more than I ever thought I would with a great company. The view all the way home from work is a panorama of beautiful mountains just a couple of miles away.
I love it here. Everything is beautiful, you can walk five minutes to the base of a mountain to hike, bikes are everywhere, everyone's healthy and loves the outdoors, the city is clean and sunny most of the time (except today when the weather is disgusting), the pedestrian mall downtown is always full of people, the community atmosphere is really awesome. And as much as I love it here...I'd never live here long-term.
It's awesome to be here for now. I have an amazing job that I've unofficially been re-offered for next summer, as well as a really great living situation that might even be open again next summer as well, and I'm really enjoying the whole feel of this place. But I also know that it's probably not going to be my home in 10 years. I can't really explain that, but I'm realizing that not every decision you make or every job you start or every place you move to has to be long-term. Some things are just meant to be temporary parts of your life that you enjoy, thrive in, learn from, and move on.
I love learning and having new experiences and absorbing life around me, and I've never learned more in such a short amount of time. I've been spoiled with supervisors who take lots of time out of their really busy days to literally mentor me and make sure I'm challenged but not overwhelmed. People here are really...different...and you can learn something from all of them. It is really different without actually feeling that different.
More updates are coming soon...meanwhile, I've become an old person with a full-time job who can no longer stay up late. Goodnight friends, I miss you!!!
I have a phenomenal roommate, Katie. We haven't crossed paths a whole lot recently, but I'm really looking forward to staying with her this summer. I live just a few blocks away from the pedestrian mall downtown and within walking distance from a ton of cool stuff. My job is amazing and I'm learning more than I ever thought I would with a great company. The view all the way home from work is a panorama of beautiful mountains just a couple of miles away.
I love it here. Everything is beautiful, you can walk five minutes to the base of a mountain to hike, bikes are everywhere, everyone's healthy and loves the outdoors, the city is clean and sunny most of the time (except today when the weather is disgusting), the pedestrian mall downtown is always full of people, the community atmosphere is really awesome. And as much as I love it here...I'd never live here long-term.
It's awesome to be here for now. I have an amazing job that I've unofficially been re-offered for next summer, as well as a really great living situation that might even be open again next summer as well, and I'm really enjoying the whole feel of this place. But I also know that it's probably not going to be my home in 10 years. I can't really explain that, but I'm realizing that not every decision you make or every job you start or every place you move to has to be long-term. Some things are just meant to be temporary parts of your life that you enjoy, thrive in, learn from, and move on.
I love learning and having new experiences and absorbing life around me, and I've never learned more in such a short amount of time. I've been spoiled with supervisors who take lots of time out of their really busy days to literally mentor me and make sure I'm challenged but not overwhelmed. People here are really...different...and you can learn something from all of them. It is really different without actually feeling that different.
More updates are coming soon...meanwhile, I've become an old person with a full-time job who can no longer stay up late. Goodnight friends, I miss you!!!
4.30.2008
dreams
I've learned that what you dream of rarely turns out the way you plan it or imagine...sometimes better than you could ever expect, sometimes you get disappointed. But here it is - what I dream of for my life.
~A life fully devoted to my Savior. Every morning waking up, as my mom would say, with a song of worship in my heart and in my head. Seeing God's hand move in the lives of the people around me, and watching him infuse our lives with his reality and his tangible/visible presence. I won't compromise this one.
~Leaving this world with the love of one man, a relationship that above all else has pointed me consistently in the direction of the true divine romance, still a very real part of me after years of the world cutting in. Serving and adoring and being pursued by my best friend. Fighting for it. And being able to look my husband in the eye seventy years from now and say that he's still the greatest and most passionate love affair of my life and that our wedding day was the most distant we ever felt from each other from that point on.
~I want to adopt children. Don't ask me how many, I don't know. But children who have no family need excesses of love, and that is one thing I can give them in abundance.
~Turning a highly-paid, grossly mis-motivated industry into a career with a purpose to serve and aid and love people the way Jesus loves them.
~Being surrounded by people I respect, love, and am challenged/encouraged by on a daily basis. Basically having amazing friends, and not just while I'm in college and unmarried.
~Having a dog. Not any time soon, but I really like the idea of a morning walk with my dog. Not tiny sissy dogs - "robust" enough to still be a respectable and outdoor activity-loving canine, but not so big he won't be perfectly happy with me hugging him all the time. I'm a cuddler. I expect my dog to be. Is that so much to ask?
~Having adventures. Exploring. Traveling. Pushing my own limits from time to time. Trespassing.
Did I say that?
~Staying healthy and enjoying life outside of my living room. I'm actually kind of the outdoors type. Surprise!
~Having a close-knit family. My kids are going to be really good friends with their cousins. I'm going to talk to my brother regularly and we're going to spend holidays together. No matter where I am or what country my mom's in, I'm never going to be too old to be her little girl or to need her advice. All of that is kind of (very) important to me.
~I plan on singing until the day I die. All for Jesus. I made that commitment years ago.
~I want to be the best mom of all time. I have a really high standard to live up to...thanks Mom, you made my job harder :)
~I don't ever - EVER - want to stop believing that anything is possible, or that life is good, or that I should be an idealist.
Ephesians 3:20-21
~A life fully devoted to my Savior. Every morning waking up, as my mom would say, with a song of worship in my heart and in my head. Seeing God's hand move in the lives of the people around me, and watching him infuse our lives with his reality and his tangible/visible presence. I won't compromise this one.
~Leaving this world with the love of one man, a relationship that above all else has pointed me consistently in the direction of the true divine romance, still a very real part of me after years of the world cutting in. Serving and adoring and being pursued by my best friend. Fighting for it. And being able to look my husband in the eye seventy years from now and say that he's still the greatest and most passionate love affair of my life and that our wedding day was the most distant we ever felt from each other from that point on.
~I want to adopt children. Don't ask me how many, I don't know. But children who have no family need excesses of love, and that is one thing I can give them in abundance.
~Turning a highly-paid, grossly mis-motivated industry into a career with a purpose to serve and aid and love people the way Jesus loves them.
~Being surrounded by people I respect, love, and am challenged/encouraged by on a daily basis. Basically having amazing friends, and not just while I'm in college and unmarried.
~Having a dog. Not any time soon, but I really like the idea of a morning walk with my dog. Not tiny sissy dogs - "robust" enough to still be a respectable and outdoor activity-loving canine, but not so big he won't be perfectly happy with me hugging him all the time. I'm a cuddler. I expect my dog to be. Is that so much to ask?
~Having adventures. Exploring. Traveling. Pushing my own limits from time to time. Trespassing.
Did I say that?
~Staying healthy and enjoying life outside of my living room. I'm actually kind of the outdoors type. Surprise!
~Having a close-knit family. My kids are going to be really good friends with their cousins. I'm going to talk to my brother regularly and we're going to spend holidays together. No matter where I am or what country my mom's in, I'm never going to be too old to be her little girl or to need her advice. All of that is kind of (very) important to me.
~I plan on singing until the day I die. All for Jesus. I made that commitment years ago.
~I want to be the best mom of all time. I have a really high standard to live up to...thanks Mom, you made my job harder :)
~I don't ever - EVER - want to stop believing that anything is possible, or that life is good, or that I should be an idealist.
Ephesians 3:20-21
4.28.2008
it's a small world after all...
I am so thankful for technology and easy communication and freedom of travel.
Because of all of that, I can successfully keep up a relationship from 1500 miles away (coming up on six months in about 11 days...hip hip hooray!). Because of it, I am spending the summer getting awesome experience and learning from some ridiculously brilliant people half a country away. Because of it, I can go experience the world and make decisions on my own while knowing that if and when my family needs me, I'm just a plane ride away. I can live my own life and still call my mom every night for advice if I need to.
Maybe it takes the daunting difficulty out of striking out on your own. I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that.
:)
Because of all of that, I can successfully keep up a relationship from 1500 miles away (coming up on six months in about 11 days...hip hip hooray!). Because of it, I am spending the summer getting awesome experience and learning from some ridiculously brilliant people half a country away. Because of it, I can go experience the world and make decisions on my own while knowing that if and when my family needs me, I'm just a plane ride away. I can live my own life and still call my mom every night for advice if I need to.
Maybe it takes the daunting difficulty out of striking out on your own. I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that.
:)
4.25.2008
worth
The best things in life have “do not enter” signs on them.
Whether that’s because there’s a certain thrill and sense of adventure in challenging the rules that makes the forbidden seem sweeter or because it actual IS better, I can’t say. I do know that if you want something to be left alone, don’t try to lock it up tight or put up warning signs – you’re just tipping potential trespassers off to the location of what they want.
The things that not everyone is willing to sacrifice for.
The things that not everyone is aware of.
The things that make the effort, the time, the fears, the risks, and the losses all worth it when you finally get behind the closed door.
What’s worth it to you? Why not go after it that much harder, knowing that nothing truly worth the effort requires none.
4.22.2008
permanent motion
"What is fundamentally important to you creates motion."
I heard that several years ago, and I remembered it because it didn't make a whole lot of sense. Lots of things create motion in my life simply because I worry that if I don't DO them, the lack of doing will ruin everything. They aren't what really matters to me.
But that's not what that statement means. Some things in life create violent motion that stops when the momentum dies. They don't push hard enough. Others -- the important ones that matter -- create permanent motion. Some people, professors maybe, push and you study for a test for six hours (and that seems really important at the time). Some people say one word that alters the choices you make for the next six years, who keep you coming back time and time again to the things they taught you without realizing it.
Some people were meant to shake you up for a while, few were meant to permanently and persistently knock you off your feet.
You can't always control situations in life, or who enters or exits it. Sometimes they make a huge positive or negative impact that you weren't expecting. Don't get fixated on the temporarily spectacular, thinking that it will last. Instead find those who will gently but unyieldingly push you in the right direction, challenge you quietly, whose very presence creates a desire to move forward and become more than you are.
Temporary impact goes a long way at this point in life. Everything feels so urgent and fundamentally life-altering. But it's a ripple effect...one event that creates temporary turbulence. Never confuse it for the waves, the subtle but powerful things that will keep you moving after the ripples are gone.
I heard that several years ago, and I remembered it because it didn't make a whole lot of sense. Lots of things create motion in my life simply because I worry that if I don't DO them, the lack of doing will ruin everything. They aren't what really matters to me.
But that's not what that statement means. Some things in life create violent motion that stops when the momentum dies. They don't push hard enough. Others -- the important ones that matter -- create permanent motion. Some people, professors maybe, push and you study for a test for six hours (and that seems really important at the time). Some people say one word that alters the choices you make for the next six years, who keep you coming back time and time again to the things they taught you without realizing it.
Some people were meant to shake you up for a while, few were meant to permanently and persistently knock you off your feet.
You can't always control situations in life, or who enters or exits it. Sometimes they make a huge positive or negative impact that you weren't expecting. Don't get fixated on the temporarily spectacular, thinking that it will last. Instead find those who will gently but unyieldingly push you in the right direction, challenge you quietly, whose very presence creates a desire to move forward and become more than you are.
Temporary impact goes a long way at this point in life. Everything feels so urgent and fundamentally life-altering. But it's a ripple effect...one event that creates temporary turbulence. Never confuse it for the waves, the subtle but powerful things that will keep you moving after the ripples are gone.
4.16.2008
paint your picket fence
Somewhere along the way, the American dream became less about the white picket fence and a middle class job. Instead of aspiring to a life with all of your choices made easier for you, we instead hope for the ability to make MORE choices.
The beauty of abundant higher education is that you can choose what you want to be educated in. As time has gone on, students have discovered that you never really even have to be locked into the major you chose first (or second, or fifth...even if it's been three or four years...who wants to leave college anyway??). You can choose to get any of a variety of graduate degrees, even if they have nothing to do with what you studied in undergrad. You can choose any state you'd like to live in, any spouse you'd like to marry, whether or not to switch to someone else's spouse mid-game, no children or twelve, a job with NASA or on Wall street or learning how to scuba dive to clean the tanks at the local aquarium (I didn't make that up). You can choose anything.
Fewer and fewer people care about keeping up with the Joneses, because that means making the same choices as the Joneses. Everybody wants to be able to make their own choices. A really great option might become hideous in the eyes of someone being forced to take it. Happiness is being increasingly defined by the variability of your life, and how free you are to change it (whether you want to, or plan to, or not).
Don't get me wrong, people still kind of like the white picket fence. They just really like knowing they could paint it metallic periwinkle if they so desired.
The beauty of abundant higher education is that you can choose what you want to be educated in. As time has gone on, students have discovered that you never really even have to be locked into the major you chose first (or second, or fifth...even if it's been three or four years...who wants to leave college anyway??). You can choose to get any of a variety of graduate degrees, even if they have nothing to do with what you studied in undergrad. You can choose any state you'd like to live in, any spouse you'd like to marry, whether or not to switch to someone else's spouse mid-game, no children or twelve, a job with NASA or on Wall street or learning how to scuba dive to clean the tanks at the local aquarium (I didn't make that up). You can choose anything.
Fewer and fewer people care about keeping up with the Joneses, because that means making the same choices as the Joneses. Everybody wants to be able to make their own choices. A really great option might become hideous in the eyes of someone being forced to take it. Happiness is being increasingly defined by the variability of your life, and how free you are to change it (whether you want to, or plan to, or not).
Don't get me wrong, people still kind of like the white picket fence. They just really like knowing they could paint it metallic periwinkle if they so desired.
4.15.2008
prayer
So many times God has taught me things by using me to teach them to others. Have you ever found yourself giving someone advice that you didn't actually know before it came out of your mouth?
I found myself talking about struggling through prayer with God. How Abraham literally fought with God over the destruction of an entire city and GOD CHANGED HIS MIND. More than once. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not." Not, "you have not because you don't ask the right way." God knows what you feel, when you heart is breaking and when you don't understand. I don't know all of the details, but I know that there are things that God can't/won't do because he can find no one to be the intercessor. If you don't pray because you are afraid your prayer is selfish, you could be missing something huge. God will use the very prayer you are praying for that thing to be done to prepare you and allow you to trust him when it doesn't happen. How can you believe that God has sovereign judgment when you have never wrestled with it enough to give it completely over to his control? When you know in your heart that you've fought hard enough and pleaded long enough and poured your heart out enough that God knows and hears you, you'll be able to trust that what he ends up doing was for the best. Believe that God's heart is moved by his children's pleas. When you know that God has heard you, it will be easier to have peace that what happens in your life WILL turn out for the best. That your will is not best. That because you struggled so hard, God MUST have a more sovereign plan or surely he would have given you what you requested.
Prayer is patient and demanding, humble and confident, pleading and begging and stating fact and stating opinion. Feeling and passion. Confusion and enlightenment and pain and heartbreak and comfort and rest. Release and burden. Hurt and healing. Questions and answers and more questions. But above all, learning to communicate ALL of that to a God who wants to hear it. Who created you to fight with him. Who created you to change things with him, not just narrate them to him.
How disappointed must God be when we, his bride and his passion, pray as though he can't or won't move when we ask him?
I found myself talking about struggling through prayer with God. How Abraham literally fought with God over the destruction of an entire city and GOD CHANGED HIS MIND. More than once. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not." Not, "you have not because you don't ask the right way." God knows what you feel, when you heart is breaking and when you don't understand. I don't know all of the details, but I know that there are things that God can't/won't do because he can find no one to be the intercessor. If you don't pray because you are afraid your prayer is selfish, you could be missing something huge. God will use the very prayer you are praying for that thing to be done to prepare you and allow you to trust him when it doesn't happen. How can you believe that God has sovereign judgment when you have never wrestled with it enough to give it completely over to his control? When you know in your heart that you've fought hard enough and pleaded long enough and poured your heart out enough that God knows and hears you, you'll be able to trust that what he ends up doing was for the best. Believe that God's heart is moved by his children's pleas. When you know that God has heard you, it will be easier to have peace that what happens in your life WILL turn out for the best. That your will is not best. That because you struggled so hard, God MUST have a more sovereign plan or surely he would have given you what you requested.
Prayer is patient and demanding, humble and confident, pleading and begging and stating fact and stating opinion. Feeling and passion. Confusion and enlightenment and pain and heartbreak and comfort and rest. Release and burden. Hurt and healing. Questions and answers and more questions. But above all, learning to communicate ALL of that to a God who wants to hear it. Who created you to fight with him. Who created you to change things with him, not just narrate them to him.
How disappointed must God be when we, his bride and his passion, pray as though he can't or won't move when we ask him?
4.02.2008
newness
As of about 5:10 this afternoon, I am officially Covidien/Valleylab's newest summer intern.
What does that mean? Basically I get to move to Boulder, Colorado for the summer and work for a medical research company on electrosurgical devices. Kinda crazy, huh??
I'm more than excited. Ok, I'm not going to lie, being able to see Josh on a somewhat regular basis (as I will probably be living less than 15 minutes from his house) is a big plus. But all of that aside, this is absolutely the best opportunity I found out there, and I can't wait to start learning and being challenged because this will DEFINITELY be a challenge.
I'm scared. And excited and expectant, but somewhat overwhelmed and shocked. I almost didn't believe her when she offered me the job. After however many questions I didn't answer well or how much I don't know or how much more effort it takes for them to hire me instead of someone local or how little experience I have...they wanted me. With this on my resume, and with the kind of experience it seems that I will be getting, I could get a great job almost anywhere when I graduate, not to mention I would have a better-than-average shot at one with Covidien if I do well.
I want to change the world. I think there is something to be said for getting an excellent education and gaining good experience for the purpose of turning it back around and changing life for the better for someone who needs it. I was sitting in that office Monday excited beyond belief because I was really becoming fascinated by what they are working on. I LOVE ENGINEERING. It's not just a series of equations and bouts of test anxiety on the path to a degree. I love what I'm learning, and I love the challenge. And I am pretty dang excited that one day I can use all of that passion and interest to change someone's life, and then be able to tell them that Jesus loves them in practical ways that meet their most desperate physical needs, not just in theory or in some hyper-spiritual repetitious ideal. I guess I've fallen for the idea that God never gives us anything to be used selfishly -- and if I've been blessed to be this passionate about something, I really want to use it to bring life or joy or comfort to someone whose life would be forever altered by it.
And that's happening. I can't believe I'm actually starting out into this new adventure that used to be just a really cool thought.
God has been far too good to me.
What does that mean? Basically I get to move to Boulder, Colorado for the summer and work for a medical research company on electrosurgical devices. Kinda crazy, huh??
I'm more than excited. Ok, I'm not going to lie, being able to see Josh on a somewhat regular basis (as I will probably be living less than 15 minutes from his house) is a big plus. But all of that aside, this is absolutely the best opportunity I found out there, and I can't wait to start learning and being challenged because this will DEFINITELY be a challenge.
I'm scared. And excited and expectant, but somewhat overwhelmed and shocked. I almost didn't believe her when she offered me the job. After however many questions I didn't answer well or how much I don't know or how much more effort it takes for them to hire me instead of someone local or how little experience I have...they wanted me. With this on my resume, and with the kind of experience it seems that I will be getting, I could get a great job almost anywhere when I graduate, not to mention I would have a better-than-average shot at one with Covidien if I do well.
I want to change the world. I think there is something to be said for getting an excellent education and gaining good experience for the purpose of turning it back around and changing life for the better for someone who needs it. I was sitting in that office Monday excited beyond belief because I was really becoming fascinated by what they are working on. I LOVE ENGINEERING. It's not just a series of equations and bouts of test anxiety on the path to a degree. I love what I'm learning, and I love the challenge. And I am pretty dang excited that one day I can use all of that passion and interest to change someone's life, and then be able to tell them that Jesus loves them in practical ways that meet their most desperate physical needs, not just in theory or in some hyper-spiritual repetitious ideal. I guess I've fallen for the idea that God never gives us anything to be used selfishly -- and if I've been blessed to be this passionate about something, I really want to use it to bring life or joy or comfort to someone whose life would be forever altered by it.
And that's happening. I can't believe I'm actually starting out into this new adventure that used to be just a really cool thought.
God has been far too good to me.
4.01.2008
the same one twice
I'm finally finishing one of the posts I started a few weeks ago...
I fall down, over and over, and I get good at being so angry with myself for falling into the same hole that I almost begin to think that it's MY HOLE, why shouldn't I fall into it? At least it's not THAT hole, that one looks bad. But I'm not actually going make the effort to avoid it because I might mess something else up, and at least this hole I know how to get back out of. I get fairly proud of myself that at least it's just this one, and I spend so much time dragging myself back out of it that I don't actually have time to find a new one anyway.
I remember hearing recently... "I'm just going to accept that I'm going to make mistakes. But I'm determined never to make the same mistake twice."
I can convince myself all I want to that falling into one hole over and over again is better than different ones every day, but see that's just not how it works. By saying that I'm never going to break out of it, I'm not saying that I don't believe in my ability to be better. I'm saying that I don't believe God can change me. I'm not doubting myself, because when I was saved I basically admitted that there's nothing good in me at all and that I am not reliable or righteous on my own and never will be. I'm actually doubting that I was ever free from unrighteousness at all. Doubting that salvation is freedom from bondage and instead saying that it is only freedom from the past.
Christians are allowed to mess up, but we have been given a power we never had before to stay out of slavery to those things by falling into them over and over again. We will sin, and we know it. But we are free from slavery to sin. Free from the idea that "that's just who I am." Not only are we free from it, we have a responsibility to recognize that and act accordingly.
The only reason I fall into the same hole is because no matter how much I tell myself I will do better next time, I put myself in the situation of making the decision in the moment I'm weakest. So I think I'm going to put up a fence. Just in case I get close to the hole again and decide to accidentally trip or something, for old times' sake.
I fall down, over and over, and I get good at being so angry with myself for falling into the same hole that I almost begin to think that it's MY HOLE, why shouldn't I fall into it? At least it's not THAT hole, that one looks bad. But I'm not actually going make the effort to avoid it because I might mess something else up, and at least this hole I know how to get back out of. I get fairly proud of myself that at least it's just this one, and I spend so much time dragging myself back out of it that I don't actually have time to find a new one anyway.
I remember hearing recently... "I'm just going to accept that I'm going to make mistakes. But I'm determined never to make the same mistake twice."
I can convince myself all I want to that falling into one hole over and over again is better than different ones every day, but see that's just not how it works. By saying that I'm never going to break out of it, I'm not saying that I don't believe in my ability to be better. I'm saying that I don't believe God can change me. I'm not doubting myself, because when I was saved I basically admitted that there's nothing good in me at all and that I am not reliable or righteous on my own and never will be. I'm actually doubting that I was ever free from unrighteousness at all. Doubting that salvation is freedom from bondage and instead saying that it is only freedom from the past.
Christians are allowed to mess up, but we have been given a power we never had before to stay out of slavery to those things by falling into them over and over again. We will sin, and we know it. But we are free from slavery to sin. Free from the idea that "that's just who I am." Not only are we free from it, we have a responsibility to recognize that and act accordingly.
The only reason I fall into the same hole is because no matter how much I tell myself I will do better next time, I put myself in the situation of making the decision in the moment I'm weakest. So I think I'm going to put up a fence. Just in case I get close to the hole again and decide to accidentally trip or something, for old times' sake.
3.07.2008
practical
Christians love practical.
Applicable, implementable, helpful, useful, unpacked, broken down, explained.
So what do we do when God isn't...practical?
Be convicted by your humanity every day enough to change, apply principles to your life and find out how that makes the most sense to you. But understand that God never wanted to be practical. It's not about molding yourself or your life through some kind of applied process to be more like Jesus, it's about falling so in love with him and following so closely that you hear his voice when he speaks and when he tells you what he wants to fix. If Christianity was practical, it would be a philosophy above all else -- a way of life and a means to some vague and undetermined end.
But thank God that Christianity is first and foremost a partnership with and a submission to a God who loves showing up and blowing your mind. Who loves being with you and showing you that even though he created the laws of nature, they truly don't apply to him. Who finds pleasure in speaking to you. Directly. If you'll draw close enough and learn how to listen.
That's not practical. When we focus too much on the process and not enough on the power behind it, we can completely miss God. The most incredible thing he does is SAVE us (don't ever let that be unremarkable or less than overwhelmingly unbelievable to you), but if you read the Bible past the life-applications you'll notice that he very rarely stops there. God doesn't really operate in the practical.
Basically -- live your life as though you have been empowered by a God who goes beyond what you imagine. Because after all, it's TRUE.
Applicable, implementable, helpful, useful, unpacked, broken down, explained.
So what do we do when God isn't...practical?
Be convicted by your humanity every day enough to change, apply principles to your life and find out how that makes the most sense to you. But understand that God never wanted to be practical. It's not about molding yourself or your life through some kind of applied process to be more like Jesus, it's about falling so in love with him and following so closely that you hear his voice when he speaks and when he tells you what he wants to fix. If Christianity was practical, it would be a philosophy above all else -- a way of life and a means to some vague and undetermined end.
But thank God that Christianity is first and foremost a partnership with and a submission to a God who loves showing up and blowing your mind. Who loves being with you and showing you that even though he created the laws of nature, they truly don't apply to him. Who finds pleasure in speaking to you. Directly. If you'll draw close enough and learn how to listen.
That's not practical. When we focus too much on the process and not enough on the power behind it, we can completely miss God. The most incredible thing he does is SAVE us (don't ever let that be unremarkable or less than overwhelmingly unbelievable to you), but if you read the Bible past the life-applications you'll notice that he very rarely stops there. God doesn't really operate in the practical.
Basically -- live your life as though you have been empowered by a God who goes beyond what you imagine. Because after all, it's TRUE.
3.04.2008
fine print
This material is provided for personal study or for use in preparation of sermons, Sunday school classes, or other oral communication. This material may be quoted in written form for noncommercial use provided credit is given to the appropriate translation. Please refer to specific guidelines for commercial use by contacting the translation's publisher.
This paragraph was written under the "Bible Search" section of a recent church website I visited. We can now only quote the Bible in writing if we credit the translation? Does that matter? Come on now. Let's be serious.
I never thought I'd see fine print like that!
This paragraph was written under the "Bible Search" section of a recent church website I visited. We can now only quote the Bible in writing if we credit the translation? Does that matter? Come on now. Let's be serious.
I never thought I'd see fine print like that!
2.26.2008
the lion chaser's manifesto
I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't -- it just kind of inspired me a lot. Try to read it one sentence at a time, think about it, apply it to where you are, and don't you dare read it like it's a forwarded email that you skip over and say "my, that was inspiring." Oh, and everything I'm writing here is directed at myself as well, because if I don't write it down I'll forget and never use it.
"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.
Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.
Chase the lion."
The underlying point for me is this -- God is not supposed to be part of your life. When the reality hits you of what can be accomplished through his power and presence completely consuming every aspect of your life, you'll run after the impossible like there's no tomorrow. Your thoughts will be continually directed toward him. You'll start developing that communion with him that makes every free moment a prayer. You'll dream crazy things and chase them with no other encouragement than the fact that God has called you to do them. You'll believe and you'll inspire and you'll be passionate about the possibilities. You won't shut up about the most unbelievable thing that has ever happened to you -- God chose to use you.
Or you can keep living your life and assume that in a few weeks/months/years, when things slow down, when you aren't so busy trying to _______?_______ , you'll pursue God's heart and let him work through you. Right now it's just inconvenient. Right now you're still working on reading your Bible more, God wants you to be reading 4 chapters a day before he'll speak to you or have any kind of relationship with you. God doesn't use people who are at THIS point in their life. You're not committed enough, you're not wise enough, you don't have it all together, you screw up a lot.
Quit making excuses.
"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.
Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.
Chase the lion."
The underlying point for me is this -- God is not supposed to be part of your life. When the reality hits you of what can be accomplished through his power and presence completely consuming every aspect of your life, you'll run after the impossible like there's no tomorrow. Your thoughts will be continually directed toward him. You'll start developing that communion with him that makes every free moment a prayer. You'll dream crazy things and chase them with no other encouragement than the fact that God has called you to do them. You'll believe and you'll inspire and you'll be passionate about the possibilities. You won't shut up about the most unbelievable thing that has ever happened to you -- God chose to use you.
Or you can keep living your life and assume that in a few weeks/months/years, when things slow down, when you aren't so busy trying to _______?_______ , you'll pursue God's heart and let him work through you. Right now it's just inconvenient. Right now you're still working on reading your Bible more, God wants you to be reading 4 chapters a day before he'll speak to you or have any kind of relationship with you. God doesn't use people who are at THIS point in their life. You're not committed enough, you're not wise enough, you don't have it all together, you screw up a lot.
Quit making excuses.
2.24.2008
famous
I know a lot of people who are working hard to become famous.
Or rich, or beautiful, or successful, or whatever.
The reality of it is, the reason I woke up this morning was NOT to further my personal life ambition. I exist today to worship God and make the name of Jesus famous.
Period.
Sure, that's a very compact version of the "purpose of life." Still I am convinced that if I have not done something today that magnifies the God I claim to have devoted my life to, I have wasted another twenty four hours of a very short life that was designed for the glory and pleasure of my Savior.
It sounds like a quaintly self-sacrificial concept, but it's a discipline and an honor and a difficulty and a pleasure to exist for the fame of the one who loves me so deeply that he puts up with my ignorant failures and my stupidity daily just to be close to me.
I want to learn how to do that.
Or rich, or beautiful, or successful, or whatever.
The reality of it is, the reason I woke up this morning was NOT to further my personal life ambition. I exist today to worship God and make the name of Jesus famous.
Period.
Sure, that's a very compact version of the "purpose of life." Still I am convinced that if I have not done something today that magnifies the God I claim to have devoted my life to, I have wasted another twenty four hours of a very short life that was designed for the glory and pleasure of my Savior.
It sounds like a quaintly self-sacrificial concept, but it's a discipline and an honor and a difficulty and a pleasure to exist for the fame of the one who loves me so deeply that he puts up with my ignorant failures and my stupidity daily just to be close to me.
I want to learn how to do that.
2.21.2008
colorado
I just got back from a really awesome long weekend visiting Josh in Boulder. Random thoughts anyone? Ok, you talked me into it. In no particular order:
* Reliable and abundant public transportation, while as of yet almost entirely unable to sustain itself without government assistance, is a glorious and not-wide-enough-spread thing.
* People are fascinating. Ask them for their story. Really listen. Learn from them if you can, especially if you disagree with them.
* Long distance relationships CAN work even though they're unusual, and you'll end up rich from everyone's two cents but sometimes forcing yourself to put effort into a relationship with another person is the best way to ensure that it gets done.
* Learn from your screw-ups and never get so comfortable with them that they don't bother you as much as they used to. It's only dangerous when you start to care less.
* No matter the church, no matter the style, no matter the speaker, the text, the people, the place, or the music ------- God is God, his word has power, the gospel is effective no matter how you wrap it, and he deserves more honor and worship than I could even begin to express to him. Just because he is. And church is our convenient way of facilitating the worship that should be going on continually in our lives, and maybe we'd focus less on the style of worship on Sundays if we were in the practice of worshiping however God lead us during the other 166 hours of the week. Maybe that's something I'm not always good at.
* Crepes : they're not just for dessert anymore. And they're delicious.
* Good sleep is worth investing in a good mattress. Think about it.
* You will pursue what you are truly passionate about. If you claim to love something but are not motivated to action or if you are apathetic when it comes to that area of your life, you are calling yourself a liar.
* It's kind of fun to be the person at the party that everyone wants to meet. It doesn't happen often.
* I am very, very thankful for a relationship that has helped me become a stronger and more independent person even though we're getting closer to each other. I think that's rare.
* There are a lot of possibilities out there. I want some of them.
* Reliable and abundant public transportation, while as of yet almost entirely unable to sustain itself without government assistance, is a glorious and not-wide-enough-spread thing.
* People are fascinating. Ask them for their story. Really listen. Learn from them if you can, especially if you disagree with them.
* Long distance relationships CAN work even though they're unusual, and you'll end up rich from everyone's two cents but sometimes forcing yourself to put effort into a relationship with another person is the best way to ensure that it gets done.
* Learn from your screw-ups and never get so comfortable with them that they don't bother you as much as they used to. It's only dangerous when you start to care less.
* No matter the church, no matter the style, no matter the speaker, the text, the people, the place, or the music ------- God is God, his word has power, the gospel is effective no matter how you wrap it, and he deserves more honor and worship than I could even begin to express to him. Just because he is. And church is our convenient way of facilitating the worship that should be going on continually in our lives, and maybe we'd focus less on the style of worship on Sundays if we were in the practice of worshiping however God lead us during the other 166 hours of the week. Maybe that's something I'm not always good at.
* Crepes : they're not just for dessert anymore. And they're delicious.
* Good sleep is worth investing in a good mattress. Think about it.
* You will pursue what you are truly passionate about. If you claim to love something but are not motivated to action or if you are apathetic when it comes to that area of your life, you are calling yourself a liar.
* It's kind of fun to be the person at the party that everyone wants to meet. It doesn't happen often.
* I am very, very thankful for a relationship that has helped me become a stronger and more independent person even though we're getting closer to each other. I think that's rare.
* There are a lot of possibilities out there. I want some of them.
2.10.2008
marriage
I've gotten a lot of interesting perspectives on marriage recently -- some good, some really really sad. So here it goes, my list of the best advice I've been given on marriage.
* Love doesn't fix everything.
My marriage is going to be the greatest love affair of my life. If it is supposed to be a mirror of the passionate pursuit of the church by Christ and her response to that love, I would never undermine that significance by settling for comfortable or average. But love in itself will never fix all of your problems. You have to know how to communicate and how to resolve conflict in a healthy way and how to disagree without damaging each other. You have to know which battles are worth it and even when to submit to their opinion when you aren't yet fully convinced. Marriage doesn't make your life less complicated, and being in love doesn't mean you can make it through anything that comes your way on that merit alone. Loving someone enough to spend your life with them means you will have to learn how to actually function with them in it.
* You may want to give up -- don't.
It isn't always gonna be sunsets and red roses, but you made a commitment to love for the rest of your life unconditionally. Do that. Even when you don't feel like it, and even when you don't feel "in love." Love is an action, with a feeling that follows closely behind.
* SERVE them.
Christianity is about putting yourself at the bottom of the totem pole and sacrificing all of yourself for others. That should be done even more emphatically for your spouse, though unfortunately we have this idea that they are the exception.
* Plan.
Know beforehand whether you see eye to eye on important things like finances or children or where you want to live or your faith. Those are not the things you want to discover that you disagree on when you're about to make the decision. And study good marriages of people you respect before attempting it yourself, caring enough about not screwing yours up to put effort into not making their mistakes.
* Open up.
Vulnerability can really suck sometimes, but your marriage won't survive without it. You've become one. Act like it.
* Look to them first.
Marry someone whose opinion and advice you trust more than your own, and then go to them for it before you look somewhere else. Believe them, have faith in their judgment, and pray that God gives them the wisdom you need when you need it so you won't have to compromise your intimacy by reaching outside for help first.
What did I learn? I have wise friends. Who like to talk about their spouses (a good thing I think). I thought I would share their hearts with those who like to read about mine.
* Love doesn't fix everything.
My marriage is going to be the greatest love affair of my life. If it is supposed to be a mirror of the passionate pursuit of the church by Christ and her response to that love, I would never undermine that significance by settling for comfortable or average. But love in itself will never fix all of your problems. You have to know how to communicate and how to resolve conflict in a healthy way and how to disagree without damaging each other. You have to know which battles are worth it and even when to submit to their opinion when you aren't yet fully convinced. Marriage doesn't make your life less complicated, and being in love doesn't mean you can make it through anything that comes your way on that merit alone. Loving someone enough to spend your life with them means you will have to learn how to actually function with them in it.
* You may want to give up -- don't.
It isn't always gonna be sunsets and red roses, but you made a commitment to love for the rest of your life unconditionally. Do that. Even when you don't feel like it, and even when you don't feel "in love." Love is an action, with a feeling that follows closely behind.
* SERVE them.
Christianity is about putting yourself at the bottom of the totem pole and sacrificing all of yourself for others. That should be done even more emphatically for your spouse, though unfortunately we have this idea that they are the exception.
* Plan.
Know beforehand whether you see eye to eye on important things like finances or children or where you want to live or your faith. Those are not the things you want to discover that you disagree on when you're about to make the decision. And study good marriages of people you respect before attempting it yourself, caring enough about not screwing yours up to put effort into not making their mistakes.
* Open up.
Vulnerability can really suck sometimes, but your marriage won't survive without it. You've become one. Act like it.
* Look to them first.
Marry someone whose opinion and advice you trust more than your own, and then go to them for it before you look somewhere else. Believe them, have faith in their judgment, and pray that God gives them the wisdom you need when you need it so you won't have to compromise your intimacy by reaching outside for help first.
What did I learn? I have wise friends. Who like to talk about their spouses (a good thing I think). I thought I would share their hearts with those who like to read about mine.
2.08.2008
now that i have your attention...
"peculiar..."
Not really something you want to hear from your professor. DEFINITELY not something you want him to say while looking at your first exam. It does makes a good Gmail status though, and yes I'm using it to write a post...
Sometimes it takes doing something wrong to set yourself apart. It took misreading one part of a test problem for me. I guarantee you that man will remember me for the rest of the semester, and now he knows that my brain functions on a slightly alternate (not higher necessarily, but definitely different) level than the rest of the known world. When it comes down to it, I made him laugh -- and people remember things like that. Now no matter what I do, I have his attention just because he has a memorable event to connect to my name and face. If I had just made a simple A on that test, I would be one of 9. Because I can't read correctly, I'm in a category all by myself.
I accidentally slept through a diff-eq test worth 20% of my grade yesterday and cried for the first time when talking to a professor. He laughed at me for awhile before letting me take it in his office that afternoon. That experience was horrific for me at the time -- but now he knows my name. He hadn't even noticed that I wasn't there, but I would be willing to bet that he'll be looking for me next time.
So, here's my point: sometimes it helps to screw up. It makes you an individual and if you are willing to try to get it right next time, most people will have a good amount of sympathy for you. You'll have lots of hilarious stories and probably come out of it having showed people that you ARE capable of what you're trying to do even though you didn't always do it right the first time.
So don't worry when you get it wrong, because you've just created a really great opportunity to get it right next time when you have their attention.
Not really something you want to hear from your professor. DEFINITELY not something you want him to say while looking at your first exam. It does makes a good Gmail status though, and yes I'm using it to write a post...
Sometimes it takes doing something wrong to set yourself apart. It took misreading one part of a test problem for me. I guarantee you that man will remember me for the rest of the semester, and now he knows that my brain functions on a slightly alternate (not higher necessarily, but definitely different) level than the rest of the known world. When it comes down to it, I made him laugh -- and people remember things like that. Now no matter what I do, I have his attention just because he has a memorable event to connect to my name and face. If I had just made a simple A on that test, I would be one of 9. Because I can't read correctly, I'm in a category all by myself.
I accidentally slept through a diff-eq test worth 20% of my grade yesterday and cried for the first time when talking to a professor. He laughed at me for awhile before letting me take it in his office that afternoon. That experience was horrific for me at the time -- but now he knows my name. He hadn't even noticed that I wasn't there, but I would be willing to bet that he'll be looking for me next time.
So, here's my point: sometimes it helps to screw up. It makes you an individual and if you are willing to try to get it right next time, most people will have a good amount of sympathy for you. You'll have lots of hilarious stories and probably come out of it having showed people that you ARE capable of what you're trying to do even though you didn't always do it right the first time.
So don't worry when you get it wrong, because you've just created a really great opportunity to get it right next time when you have their attention.
2.03.2008
language
I'm learning American Sign Language.
I don't need language credit, I don't have a Deaf friend/close family member, and as much as I love Ashley (and I do love you my friend) it's definitely not for her benefit. BUT--I can't imagine living in a world where communication is nearly impossible with anyone besides those who make an effort to learn how to speak to you. For some reason that has absolutely captivated my attention and makes me think that this is a tangible way to show ridiculous love to a group of people who are used to being forgotten. I hope that by the time the Deaf ministry at Newspring gets underway, I'll at least be able to have a decent (even if slow) conversation with the people it attracts. If you know me at all, you could probably guess the one thing I'm having the hardest time with:
I have to use few words.
I am fascinated with the English language. I have a great appreciation for the richness of its vocabulary and the enormous variety of ways to express one single idea. Lyrics affect me just as much as music itself, and I adore poetry. I may not always be a fascinating conversationalist in real-time, but when I can sit down and write what I mean I sometimes come up with some good stuf. Clever humor makes me happy. WORDS are beautiful to me.
AND SO-- a language that (by necessity) is simple and essentially exists to get the point across is way off my radar. But it has brought me to this understanding: worship and prayer are a lot like sign language. There is a God who brought time into existence and sings over me as I sleep and has made even the darkest and most terrible things beautiful in their time and I'm supposed to tell him how great he is?? Like the beauty of a melody to a person unable to hear it, I'm trying to express to the captor of my soul how grateful I am for a love that I will never fully understand. I've never experienced anything other than a pale reflection of the glory that defines him. I've never even come close to anything that beautiful or that terrifying or that majestic. I don't know the true meaning of those words and even if I did, they wouldn't be enough. And I can say that, but I can't comprehend that.
The best I can do is this: God there aren't words. You have not given me a language that is big enough to encompass you. All of creation screams your greatness and though it falls far short, we cannot even comprehend that. So in place of words, I will exist to thank you. With your help and guidance and patience, I will pour out myself in service to you every day I am allowed to draw a breath. Father not my will, but YOURS be done.
I don't need language credit, I don't have a Deaf friend/close family member, and as much as I love Ashley (and I do love you my friend) it's definitely not for her benefit. BUT--I can't imagine living in a world where communication is nearly impossible with anyone besides those who make an effort to learn how to speak to you. For some reason that has absolutely captivated my attention and makes me think that this is a tangible way to show ridiculous love to a group of people who are used to being forgotten. I hope that by the time the Deaf ministry at Newspring gets underway, I'll at least be able to have a decent (even if slow) conversation with the people it attracts. If you know me at all, you could probably guess the one thing I'm having the hardest time with:
I have to use few words.
I am fascinated with the English language. I have a great appreciation for the richness of its vocabulary and the enormous variety of ways to express one single idea. Lyrics affect me just as much as music itself, and I adore poetry. I may not always be a fascinating conversationalist in real-time, but when I can sit down and write what I mean I sometimes come up with some good stuf. Clever humor makes me happy. WORDS are beautiful to me.
AND SO-- a language that (by necessity) is simple and essentially exists to get the point across is way off my radar. But it has brought me to this understanding: worship and prayer are a lot like sign language. There is a God who brought time into existence and sings over me as I sleep and has made even the darkest and most terrible things beautiful in their time and I'm supposed to tell him how great he is?? Like the beauty of a melody to a person unable to hear it, I'm trying to express to the captor of my soul how grateful I am for a love that I will never fully understand. I've never experienced anything other than a pale reflection of the glory that defines him. I've never even come close to anything that beautiful or that terrifying or that majestic. I don't know the true meaning of those words and even if I did, they wouldn't be enough. And I can say that, but I can't comprehend that.
The best I can do is this: God there aren't words. You have not given me a language that is big enough to encompass you. All of creation screams your greatness and though it falls far short, we cannot even comprehend that. So in place of words, I will exist to thank you. With your help and guidance and patience, I will pour out myself in service to you every day I am allowed to draw a breath. Father not my will, but YOURS be done.
1.31.2008
beautiful
Sometimes I remember just how beautiful people can be.
For the post I think I'll focus on my female acquaintances, because I am more inclined to understand them than the alternative. Simply put, I'm a girl and we recognize things in each other.
There are some girls who absolutely brighten my life. I try to explain it and somehow it doesn't convey what I really mean. Women struggle to be pretty, spending many hours and dollars to achieve some level of attractiveness--but I know some who, regardless of how physically attractive they are when YOU look at THEM, radiate something beautiful just by the way THEY look at YOU. I feel honored to be surrounded every day of my life by strong, wise, selfless, and just beautiful women. If you wonder why we're so happy to see each other, it's because we grow and learn and feel like better people when we're together. There are times when I look at them and wonder how the majority of the known world survives without them. Frankly, I know I couldn't. Those girls each have something I am striving for, and I have the greatest amount of respect for their character and their spirit.
Culture tends to push us in one of two directions/categories: strong, overbearing, and independent, or weak, helpless, and unnoticed. There can be strength in softness, and great leadership without overemphasized personality. I have seen confidence displayed in quietness and independence brought out by sacrifice for others.
Father THANK YOU for surrounding me every day with more beauty than most people recognize in a lifetime.
For the post I think I'll focus on my female acquaintances, because I am more inclined to understand them than the alternative. Simply put, I'm a girl and we recognize things in each other.
There are some girls who absolutely brighten my life. I try to explain it and somehow it doesn't convey what I really mean. Women struggle to be pretty, spending many hours and dollars to achieve some level of attractiveness--but I know some who, regardless of how physically attractive they are when YOU look at THEM, radiate something beautiful just by the way THEY look at YOU. I feel honored to be surrounded every day of my life by strong, wise, selfless, and just beautiful women. If you wonder why we're so happy to see each other, it's because we grow and learn and feel like better people when we're together. There are times when I look at them and wonder how the majority of the known world survives without them. Frankly, I know I couldn't. Those girls each have something I am striving for, and I have the greatest amount of respect for their character and their spirit.
Culture tends to push us in one of two directions/categories: strong, overbearing, and independent, or weak, helpless, and unnoticed. There can be strength in softness, and great leadership without overemphasized personality. I have seen confidence displayed in quietness and independence brought out by sacrifice for others.
Father THANK YOU for surrounding me every day with more beauty than most people recognize in a lifetime.
1.25.2008
music and lyrics...
Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life -- to know and follow hard after You.
...This world is empty, pale, and poor compared to knowing You...
God, make knowing You my single greatest passion. Let me have no greater ambition or plan than to follow in the steps laid out for me that lead me closer to You. Let me measure my choices by what you might approve. Let me live wholly in pursuit of Your heart. Let my confidence be found in hearing Your voice. Let me fall in love with everything You are that I may or may not understand. Teach me what it means to follow You, not just claim You.
Remind me that everything else is empty and colorless and meaningless if You aren't in it.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life -- to know and follow hard after You.
...This world is empty, pale, and poor compared to knowing You...
God, make knowing You my single greatest passion. Let me have no greater ambition or plan than to follow in the steps laid out for me that lead me closer to You. Let me measure my choices by what you might approve. Let me live wholly in pursuit of Your heart. Let my confidence be found in hearing Your voice. Let me fall in love with everything You are that I may or may not understand. Teach me what it means to follow You, not just claim You.
Remind me that everything else is empty and colorless and meaningless if You aren't in it.
1.18.2008
failure
I want to write music.
So what if I've never been good at it, I feel like maybe if I do it wrong enough times in a row then my chances of getting one right increase exponentially.
I think we look at failure the wrong way. I know that unless God intervenes in my creative processes, I will never write a song I think should be recorded--and thus I have failed in my attempts at songwriting. I fail every day, owing God more with every passing hour (that's a great song by the way, LOVE that song). But the truth is, we expect so much from ourselves that we're destined to be discouraged unless we get really honest.
I have no expectations for my music, but I love the process. And the point isn't that I make mistakes...continually. The point is that there is a process going on in my life that is helping me become more like Christ. If I focus on my many failures and what I'm not, I'll never be anything else. If all my energy is expended to beat myself up for being a product of the fall, there won't be any of it left to lift up my eyes to my Creator -- who has not only created me physically, but who is still in the process of creating a follower of His name inside me.
Romans 6 has a beautiful explanation of grace and righteousness. Notice especially that "just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life." WALK IN NEW LIFE. Live like you're free. When you recognize that you aren't bound to your old self any more, you realize that you now have the ability to be righteous where you didn't before -- and it becomes a joy to live righteously. And when you find joy in obedience, that's when you know you're free. You can screw up honestly, many times even, and it can (and should) bother you. But even when you do, you can enjoy the beauty of the process you're experiencing that is bringing you closer every day to what you were meant to be.
And failure really just isn't all that bad.
So what if I've never been good at it, I feel like maybe if I do it wrong enough times in a row then my chances of getting one right increase exponentially.
I think we look at failure the wrong way. I know that unless God intervenes in my creative processes, I will never write a song I think should be recorded--and thus I have failed in my attempts at songwriting. I fail every day, owing God more with every passing hour (that's a great song by the way, LOVE that song). But the truth is, we expect so much from ourselves that we're destined to be discouraged unless we get really honest.
I have no expectations for my music, but I love the process. And the point isn't that I make mistakes...continually. The point is that there is a process going on in my life that is helping me become more like Christ. If I focus on my many failures and what I'm not, I'll never be anything else. If all my energy is expended to beat myself up for being a product of the fall, there won't be any of it left to lift up my eyes to my Creator -- who has not only created me physically, but who is still in the process of creating a follower of His name inside me.
Romans 6 has a beautiful explanation of grace and righteousness. Notice especially that "just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life." WALK IN NEW LIFE. Live like you're free. When you recognize that you aren't bound to your old self any more, you realize that you now have the ability to be righteous where you didn't before -- and it becomes a joy to live righteously. And when you find joy in obedience, that's when you know you're free. You can screw up honestly, many times even, and it can (and should) bother you. But even when you do, you can enjoy the beauty of the process you're experiencing that is bringing you closer every day to what you were meant to be.
And failure really just isn't all that bad.
1.02.2008
strength
I doubt I will ever think I'm strong.
I know for a fact, however, that I get so much of the strength I do have from some wonderful people. God has never left me, but he has also rarely left me without human hands to hold or arms to hold me. I have the opportunity to break down and give out and fall over and show every weakness in me knowing that I have a place to do so, but I also have help when I do get back up and get it together and make decisions and move forward. I've learned more about what God's love is from these relationships than I ever expected to: I'm not supposed to fix it. In fact, GOD isn't supposed to "fix" it. It's ok to cry. Hard. It's ok to feel lost sometimes. It's ok to feel things and think things you don't want to. Because love meets you where you are and waits until you can find a way to stand up before it pushes you forward. You will move forward, and you will be able to do what you need to and face the very problems that brought you to your knees in the first place with the confidence of not being alone.
So I've learned that I can be strong when I don't look like it, feel like it, act like it...I can be strong because I let go of it long enough to lose control for a minute. And the world didn't end. When I took my hands off of it, guess what -- nothing fell apart but me. I know it can and will happen again, because I'm just not the kind of person who can stay busy enough to always keep up my morale when I'm frustrated or scared. But tears aren't weakness, they're a release and a recognition of where I end.
So when I ended, I found people who loved me. A lot. In the right ways and in the best ways they knew how. I can write this because I have a God who has given me grace enough to stand when His strength is all I have, but who so often chooses to hold me up with people I can only hope to give to one day the way they have given to me.
I know for a fact, however, that I get so much of the strength I do have from some wonderful people. God has never left me, but he has also rarely left me without human hands to hold or arms to hold me. I have the opportunity to break down and give out and fall over and show every weakness in me knowing that I have a place to do so, but I also have help when I do get back up and get it together and make decisions and move forward. I've learned more about what God's love is from these relationships than I ever expected to: I'm not supposed to fix it. In fact, GOD isn't supposed to "fix" it. It's ok to cry. Hard. It's ok to feel lost sometimes. It's ok to feel things and think things you don't want to. Because love meets you where you are and waits until you can find a way to stand up before it pushes you forward. You will move forward, and you will be able to do what you need to and face the very problems that brought you to your knees in the first place with the confidence of not being alone.
So I've learned that I can be strong when I don't look like it, feel like it, act like it...I can be strong because I let go of it long enough to lose control for a minute. And the world didn't end. When I took my hands off of it, guess what -- nothing fell apart but me. I know it can and will happen again, because I'm just not the kind of person who can stay busy enough to always keep up my morale when I'm frustrated or scared. But tears aren't weakness, they're a release and a recognition of where I end.
So when I ended, I found people who loved me. A lot. In the right ways and in the best ways they knew how. I can write this because I have a God who has given me grace enough to stand when His strength is all I have, but who so often chooses to hold me up with people I can only hope to give to one day the way they have given to me.
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