how you see me

Guys, let me give you a clue about us girls: good or bad, whether we want to or not, most of us spend a good amount of time wondering what you think of us.

I wonder what my dad thinks of me. I want him to look at his little girl and be proud, to know that the daughter he raised is not just your typical average "good girl."

I wonder what my brother thinks of me. I want him to be excited that he gets to be stuck with me for the rest of his life :)

I wonder what the guys I pass every day that I don't know think of me. I want them to be able to tell there's something different in the way I present myself to the world.

I wonder what the guys in my classes (since there are so flippin many of them) think of me. I want the way I look and dress and act and speak to be respectable and representative of the person God intended me to be.

I wonder what my boyfriend thinks of me. I want him to know he can trust me and be proud of who I am.

I wonder what my friends think of me. I want them to be able to say that they respect my opinions and value my friendship.

Bottom line--I care about what you think. But only because if I try to look at myself through your eyes, I can learn a lot about who I am and what I need to change. I tend to think about how you see me because I know what I would like for you to see. And as a female who is learning how you guys see us, I am even more determined to never be anything but confident and respectable in the eyes of the men in my life. I don't want to flirt all the time or be too touchy, be overly needy or dependent, dress in a way that makes the visual battle guys fight any harder, find my worth in any relationship, be shallow or selfish, think I need to put lots of effort into how I look, or get jealous of girls who are prettier than I am. I spent a lot of time caring far too much about the world's perception of me. Now I only want to care if your experiences with me reflect the person I am striving to become.

break!

Normal people spend 1/3 of their lives sleeping (college doesn't count). Why? You're not conscious, nor are you getting anything valuable from it. God could've made us to recharge in an hour or two and get at least 20 good hours of productivity in.

But he didn't.

He made us to need rest, to burn out if we push it too hard, to enjoy the time we have that isn't spent doing anything. It isn't laziness, it's necessity. I'm definitely looking forward to my time in the next few weeks doing nothing but loving my family, seeing some of my favorite people, and...wait, I think there was something else...

Oh yes. SLEEPING.

:)

:-D

I know I exaggerate a lot. I get excited about things and people and ideas, and they suddenly become the best or the most wonderful or the end all and be all of the human experience. I will make no apologies tonight, though I am considering it in the future. For now, I'm just going to do it again.

I heard my former youth pastor give THE BEST sermon I've ever heard him give a few months ago. This comes from almost seven years of sitting under his ministry, and he's a good preacher. I remembered it today, and I want to share it with you. The main idea--God often describes people in the Bible in one sentence or a few short verses. David, Abraham, Jabez, everybody in Hebrews 11...

God rarely sees in us what we do. He knows us, from the beginning of time to the end of eternity, and doesn't judge with our standards. If God were to sum me up in one sentence, I'm not always sure that I would like it. But I do know what I want Him to say:

THAT woman makes me smile!

Maybe it's because I consider joy to be of great value. Because when I found it, my life changed. Because I know how much of an impact it makes on just about everyone. If the entirety of my life, from God's perspective, became a source of joy for him...if my words and the meditations of my heart are pleasing...if my character and integrity made him proud...if my life reflected such purity that my offerings were sweet...if something about my heart so touched his that the only response was a smile...

Jesus, let me live my life that way. Help me wholeheartedly pursue your satisfaction with me. I miss it so many times, but I believe that the measure of my character in your eyes is in how quickly I get back up and how good I am at walking around that same hole next time I come to it. Help me live so close to your heart that I know when I'm breaking it and when thoughts of me make you smile.

not hoping for the future, but hoping in spite of the past.

This is such a fantastic post to follow the previous. God balances me sometimes.

I know we are broken people, in a broken world, with all kinds of scars and baggage following all of us. But there are days when I would just rather forget mine and pretend that I don't know so much about everybody else's. I want to pretend that we're all just so "blessed with the joy of Jesus" and that nobody has to glue a smile over all the memories of where they came from.

It never ceases to amaze me how degraded and...well...human we are. I forget that the people I laugh with have cried, that those I wrap my arms around have been hit by someone else's, that confidence can be a way to escape the knowledge that they actually hate themselves for their mistakes. The truth is, I know so little about so many people. I know who they are and who they've been since I've met them (a little of it at least). I know what they tell me. People know of me what I tell them too. I don't know how God deals with all the pain we feel ourselves and cause Him as well. Everybody has a story. And we've all wanted to rip pages out.

I will never look down on you because of your history, because I am far from perfect and put together. I will never not want to know your story, because I've met a healer beyond my greatest comprehension and I'd love to introduce him to you. He has rescued me from myself, cried with me, loved me, freed me, and has ever since been restoring my life to me in ways you could never imagine.

Well, actually... maybe you could. We're just not that different.

hope

Sometimes we Christians use a lot of words that we just vaguely understand the meanings of. Powerful, life-changing words that get overused and watered down. I think I finally got to understand one of them this week.

HOPE.

There's something so different about the lives of people who have actually surrendered them. The more people I talk to who are heading into major transitions in their lives, the more I notice the difference. The overwhelming Jesus-following answer to the question of "what are you going to do now" is, "I don't have any idea, but I'm so excited!"

I have absolutely no idea where my life is going. I don't know where I'll be going when I graduate or where I want to work or when I want to have kids or what degrees I'll be getting or what friends I'll have living close to me. I just don't know. What I do know is this: I've never been this excited or had this much peace about anything in my life.

God wants to give his kids big dreams. He can come up with more than even the craziest things I can imagine. It will probably be way out of my comfort zone, and way past what I would have picked for myself. I can't guarantee I'll be happy all the time, or that I will always know why. But there is this underlying hope inside of all of it that makes me know that it is going to work out. Not knowing becomes exciting instead of frightening. I can dream big and not worry about reality getting in the way. I can take chances and not worry that I'll come crashing down with nobody to be there.

Hope, then, is not a comforting excuse for complacency. It is a safety net that gets better the higher you climb. The more you have to lose, the more God can do with you. My hope is built on the only eternal thing, and everything else could and will fail me before I'm through. So I'm confident in that one thing, knowing that even my biggest failures won't matter in 100 years. I'm planning to set myself up for some of the best failures or successes because if I'm going to have them, why not get something great out of them?

Run farther, think crazier, listen more, fall harder, be passionate, follow through, worry less, trust more, forget the comfort zone, just have this insane hope that your future is only limited by the one who created it and HE usually stays just a tad bit outside your box.

anyway

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered...
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives...
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies...
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you...
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight...
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous...
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow...
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough...
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY."

for those who raised me...

There have been many times in my life when I've thought, "I never want to be like my parents." I've gotten frustrated, hurt, or angry at some points (whether I had a right to or not). Now I'm not so sure I feel that way any more. I'm almost positive that I don't.

No, I don't want to BE my parents. I have different expectations for myself and for my life than they do/did for theirs. My environments and experiences have given me the opportunity to dream differently (maybe not really bigger in every sense, but very very differently). I don't want to make the same choices in certain situations or follow their paths exactly. But I wouldn't mind at all being like them.

I want to work hard for what I have. To be dedicated and stable. To have common sense, not just intelligence. I want to raise a daughter (or son) who wants to call me to tell me about her life, even when she's in college. Who appreciates me. Who doesn't have it all together, but who does at least have most of her major priorities straight. I want to raise kids I can trust. To treat them with all the love and support that MY parents have treated me with.

I am who I am because I have overwhelmingly loving parents. They've overcome a lot to be the great parents they are. They make mistakes, but they apologize and we move on. They let me make mistakes and love me when I make them. They let me know all the time how proud they are of me and THAT makes me want to make them proud. They don't always understand me, but they do trust me and show me that they do. I've been infused with so much more love than I deserve. I want to be a person like that.

If you two are reading this, THANK YOU. Thank you for everything. I know you're not perfect, but you have done a great job in my eyes...

and I LOVE YOU more than life.

work

I think I'm getting too restless.

I want to get out of here, go do something I've never done, go create something, experience life in the beauty of relaxation, work on something that is a heck of a lot more valuable to SOMEBODY than studying thermophysics.

I'm getting lazy, and I want to stop working. That's my problem! I love Clemson, I love learning (as nerdy as that is), and I love my life. I just don't want to do school work any more.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to find time to work so hard on so many things, and then expect to be excited about working on my relationships. With my roommates, with my friends, with people I have yet to meet, with my family, and even (hopefully most importantly) with Jesus. Some come easily, some don't. It's really hard for me to get excited about having to put so much effort into them when I put so much effort into everything else too. Why do I look at it like that?

God forgive me for putting you in my "work" category and forgetting that it is such a joy to be able to pursue the heart of the one who loves me in ways I cannot even imagine. I love you, but never do I even come close to loving you enough. Show me how to overcome that, and remind me that seeking your heart above everything else and showing the love I find there to others is the most important "work" I'll ever do.

the only time I disagree with enthusiasm...

I want to be a person who cares about who you are.

You aren't a handshake or a fake smile to me. You aren't just another person who knows my name and thinks it's really awesome that I took the time to pretend to remember you. I don't CARE if 1000 people know my face, I care if 10 people know I love them. God forgive me if I ever, even once, fake a relationship with you in the name of "spreading the joy of Jesus," because I'm absolutely certain that you won't ever want Jesus to love you like that. If I give the impression that the church is about how many bodies can we get to hear our message, I'm sorry.

The church I want to be is one that cares about how many hearts are moved by a LIVING gospel that starts the minute I make eye contact with you and continues through a presentation of the truth of scripture. God has put a number on every hair on your head, and knows which one is which. The least I can do, if I'm claiming to love you in His name, is reflect a genuine concern for the person you are and are becoming. I'm not going to lie and say that I can create that with everyone I meet. I'm not going to pretend that it's possible for me to personally show that kind of personal love to hundreds of people either. But maybe I am saying that I would rather interact with FEWER people BETTER. It isn't that I care any less about the others...but I do care about those few enough to slice my time a little thicker and invest a little more so they KNOW how much they are loved.

my ever-developing decision making skills

Life is balance. Faith is balance. Politics (oh help) is balance. There are always extremes, and undoubtedly someone will always claim both extremes on either side of just about EVERYTHING to be truth. I have found, in many many cases, that truth comes from the balance of both (schoolwork vs. friends, over-defensive vs. doormat, legalism vs. Christian freedom, etc.).

Let's just say, hypothetically, that I don't find the exact balance of everything in my life. Just for an example. What then? Falling on either side of that balance line brings consequences; we, humans, will probably hit it right on very few times in our lives, so the question becomes... which consequences would I rather deal with?

I think I've made preliminary decisions at least on some of the contradicting views in my life. I would rather deal with reading something offensive from time to time than have to fight to make my views heard from time to time. I would rather have a bad grade or two than regret not investing time into someone. I would rather put my whole heart and effort into a relationship I believe in and have my heart broken than always be cautious and have to settle for something easier. I would rather regret what I did than regret what I didn't do. I'd rather put a lot of convicts in jail for a long time than find out later that we used the death penalty on even one innocent person (which we've discovered several times--I used to be in favor of the death penalty). I would rather be somewhat taken advantage of than somewhat take advantage of someone else. I generally tend to err on the side of being too nice than too mean.

I doubt I can simplify every decision in my life so easily, though it would be nice.

definitions

A person is not defined by one event in his life.

History tries to make it so; we have in our memories a large set of people (size of the set depending on how well you studied for your history tests) who are only known to us because of one important event that we remember. They become one-dimensional--we have built up an idea about their whole lives from one day or one week in their fifty or more years of existence. Bad people can do good things from time to time, and good people can do bad things, and if you isolate one happening you are unlikely to find anything accurate enough to be used to judge their character.

We've taught ourselves, then, that we can do that with people we are personally familiar with as well as historical figures. Admit it--in your mind you'll define your current boyfriend by how he asked you out and your ex by how he broke up with you. If I were to keep tabs on it long enough, you might one day start telling me what a jerk this newer one is too, regardless of how well last Valentine's day was planned. The teacher in the fourth grade who made me cry because she yelled at me in front of the class for not wearing a hat on Hat Day is always going to be the most horrible elementary educator on the planet, because I honestly don't remember anything else about her. You can have a best friend for years who misconstrues one remark you make and never speaks to you again. Fortunately, the day your mom forgot you at school in the sixth grade doesn't override the years of making you dinner and remembering to pick you up at 3:30.

God was able to look at David, the adulterous murder, and still say, "He is a man after my own heart." Abraham, who's lack of faith in God's promise caused him to have a child with his servant and create serious problems even today for the two races of people stemming from that incident, has five verses in Hebrews 11 memorializing his great faith in God.

God doesn't define me by the times I've screwed up, or even by the times I've done outstandingly well (just in case I try to think I can slack off because I've done enough). He defines me by my life as a whole and by my heart's desires and by who I really am.

How would God define you?

this weekend I...

...thought about cutting most of my hair off.
...decided not to.
...went to church, and decided that whatever the girl's name is that sings at Newspring is my hero.
...stalled for a birthday party by going grocery shopping.
...went to my second NeedToBreathe concert in three weeks. It was incredible.
...realized that I am loved more than anyone could ever deserve.
...made a decision to always make people around me feel like my friends made me feel yesterday.
...fell in love with a place that will (with any luck) be the love of the next three years of my life.
...remembered why I want to adopt children one day.
...wished I could adopt them all right now.
...understood how vital love is to life, especially the life of a child, and how the lack of it can leave you broken.

This weekend we went to Helping Hands, an emergency foster home where children stay immediately after they are pulled out of abusive/neglectful homes (when their situation is considered too serious to wait) until they can find a more permanent place to send them. I understood that it was important, and I was prepared to work and wash buses and play with kids all morning and run around until I dropped.

I was not prepared for a seven-year-old to ask me if she can call me Mom, since hers didn't love her.

I was not prepared to be told that I had to pull away from a very confused little girl who just wanted someone to hold her hand, because we couldn't get "too attached" to them, or that I probably shouldn't hug a child who might not have ever gotten a real hug in her life.

I wasn't prepared for it, nor am I prepared to go back. I won't ever be prepared to explain to that seven-year-old why she can't come home with me, or why she feels the need to physically beat herself up when she gets angry because that's all she's ever known from anyone who was angry with her. I don't ever want to be too prepared for that. I'm not prepared to go back but I'm going anyway, knowing that those kids can't stay for more than four months and I'll be upset every time one of them has to leave. Knowing that I can't let them climb all over me like normal crazy active kids do or grab my hand or get "too attached." If you saw and heard what I did, you'd go back too.

I'm going to adopt at least one of those kids one day. Not them, but kids just like them. I know it's hard, and I know they're trouble, and I know they have way too much pain for me to fix and they have anger problems and they'll probably drive me crazy and maybe it won't ever do them any good. But it might. Love is an incredibly powerful thing, whether we fully understand it or not. And I know that the love I've been shown through grace and through the indescribable people I have the privilege of knowing has been the only thing that has ever had a chance of healing the pain I've acquired in my life--I don't think I'm allowed to be selfish with that. I've wondered for a long time why I wanted to adopt one day; now, years later, I know why. There's more than enough reasons, and I met a lot of them yesterday. They let me play on their playground.

more from new orleans...

It is incredibly difficult to become humble.

It isn't like you can wake up one morning and decide that you want to be. Humility is a positive trait, and if you are aware of your positive traits you tend to be less humble (stick with me, it won't always be that confusing). I've been reading "My Utmost for His Highest" and one topic in particular caught my attention: the assertion that the best characteristic qualities of a Christian are not products of said Christian's own effort. In fact, Chambers makes the argument that only when a quality (such as humility) is unconscious is it most effective.

"...if it is conscious it ceases to have this unaffected loveliness which is the characteristic of the touch of Jesus."

My first reaction was against this particular entry (I think it was the context of the whole thing that did that). Now that I've rolled it over in my mind for awhile I think I'm more inclined to agree--you will probably find it very difficult to become like Jesus when you're making every effort to do so. During my short stay in NOLA I came across people who had no idea they exhibited (quite powerfully) the characteristics of Christ. If Christianity is more about the heart than about the law, why is it so easy to forget that we are entirely powerless to change our own hearts? That change comes from surrendering everything you are and everything you do. That "unaffected loveliness," that certain presence of grace in a person is what is supposed to make Christians so easily distinguishable. When you are truly touched by Jesus, you unconsciously develop a "poverty of spirit" because you begin to recognize that there really is nothing about you that is good, apart from the work of God in you. Humble people probably don't realize they're humble at all.

The people who impress me the most with certain qualities very rarely realize they are doing it. The things I love most about them are the things that they do without thinking about it. I am impressed by them because they ARE those things, not because they PRACTICE those things. I don't remember ever aspiring to be someone who tries really hard. I aspire to be someone who doesn't need to.

I'd like to think I'm transparent.

I don't hide feelings well, and I talk when I'm upset. My eyes light up when I hear something that excites me or resonates with me. If I look sad and you can't figure out why, it's probably because my "spaced out" face is pretty blank (which is usually the only time you'll see it that way). If you ask, I'll tell you. I don't tell most people everything about my life, but there are those few who hear just about all of it. If I seem happy, I'm happy. If I'm quiet, I'm thinking. If I'm crying, I'm seriously hurt or confused or frustrated. I can fake emotion, but I usually don't pull it off successfully--if I tell you how I feel, you've probably been able to guess already just by looking at me.

I'm a heck of a lot more "emotional" than I like to admit.

I don't deal well with the dramatic, nor do I cry over small things. But I feel deeply, and I take much more to heart than I realize sometimes. I don't do many things without becoming wholly invested in them--so I get really ecstatic when things work, and I crash with them if they fail. I worry more than I should sometimes. Still, I'm not easily offended or angered; if I have a problem, I'll do my best to talk to you about it. I don't like to complain, but I do it sometimes before I realize it and kick myself later. I read too much into things every now and then, but I'll probably never admit it because deep down I know that's not really what you meant. If a really wonderful conversation doesn't have a really good ending, I tend to remember the way you said the last sentence more so than the previous hour's worth of discussion. Tone of voice says more to me than it does to most people.

Basically, no I don't really understand myself. I really don't know what made me write this to be honest. I surprise and even mortify myself sometimes. I'm a weird mix of the rational and the emotional, and sometimes my responses to situations or people are not what even I would have predicted. I know myself much better now than I used to, and it's not that I'm unstable or anything (I know you've been wondering ;-D ), but I'm exactly like everyone else--I color a little outside of my own lines.

the most random and thus maybe longest post yet

It is possible to fall in love with an entire city in less than three weeks.

I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my brain from these last two weeks in NOLA. They'll probably turn into several posts over the next month or two. It's amazing how so little time can change you so much!

The truth that you already know can feel so different when you hear it in the comfort and familiarity of home than it does in a place where faith is literally the only hope many people have left. God lives there because He is NEEDED there. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't NEED God more. My physical needs are met, my life is comfortable. It's a lot easier to keep up a prayer life when you rely on prayer to your Provider for most of the basics. One of the first things someone told me about their experiences when I got there was, "God is present with the poor." Personally, I think one of the biggest reasons why Jesus said that it would be difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven is because there is very little reliance on God for our "daily bread." I never imagined that I would start to see God's overwhelming provision in my life as a handicap to my pursuit of Him.

I left my church. Not because I'm mad or because I disagree with them or because I "need a change," but because God is (after 15 years) calling me HERE. The single thing in my life that has consumed most of my energy, passion, prayer, and time over the last 6-7 YEARS is suddenly gone. Not that it has surrendered all claim to my heart, not that I care about those people less, not that I'm going to forget that much of who I am has been formed under the ministry of that youth group, but it's absolutely without a doubt not where I am supposed to be. It's been harder than I let on sometimes. It's not comfortable. It sucks. I'm leaving those who have become my family, some of my best friends, some of the people who have loved me in very tangible ways through all of the worst times in my life. And I can't go back for awhile because I belong here now and the more I go back the more I'm going to have to defend my choice to stay in Clemson--and I need a break from that. I really just hope that everyone understands my heart: that I'm here NOT because it's convenient or more fun than driving home, but because it's a new phase of my life that I don't expect people to necessarily understand. I'm not running away. I'm just running in a different direction. And God is already blessing that.

Another thing I realized today is that it was only when I came to Clemson that I found out who I wanted to be. I spent years idolizing some of the older people in my youth group, wondering why I was never on "their level." I thought I was a failure, that I couldn't get to where they were. Surprise surprise, the problem was that I was chasing God like them. I never realized that being a Christian could look different than it did for some of the kids at Praise Cathedral. It's not wrong, it's just not ME. Unfortunately, I never really understood that until I got here. First you chase God, then God shows you who you are and you know Him in your own way. My spirituality probably looks a little different from yours. Good--we're a little different. I respond to God a little differently than I thought I "should." God created each of us and He knows how to get to each of us best. I just had to come here to find that out...and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. I've been a "Christian" most of my life, and I've been a CHRISTIAN for at least 3 years, and I'm finally understanding what it means to know Jesus.

I'm done for now! I haven't done this in way too long...I'll work on that :)

memory

"No, I promise it happened just like that! I remember, I can picture it right now..."

I've done it. You probably have too. Nobody remembers your conversations or escapades quite like you do. You have an unusual capacity for recalling exactly how it happened.

Did you know that you are totally wrong?

If your brain stored every detail of every memory you ever had, you would be overloaded with information. So instead, to save space, your brain ingeniously edits events and stores what it considers to be important details for you to recall when you need them. And then, when you need that memory, your brain reconstructs what happened around those few important details that were stored in their entirety. It fills in the rest, and it tends to fill it in slighly differently than you'd like. Basically, your brain guesses--usually it guesses pretty well. Sometimes it doesn't.

Read Stumbling on Happiness. Great book. It will make you think twice before you use your own memory in an argument =]

the american dream

I think one of the most telling things about our culture is the constant insistence on the "American dream."

You know--the two story house, 2.6 kids, floppy-eared family dog, happy husband/loving wife, and secure job (all of which your next-door neighbor will hopefully be envious of you for, because that makes it so much better). But does it really have anything to do with how many kids you have enclosed in your white picket fence? I really think we put that idea on such a pedestal because we genuinely think that if only we can achieve a certain standard, we would be happy. Or at least happier. That somehow our problems would disappear if things were different, instead of understanding that those problems would probably follow us no matter what house we lived in unless we deal with them. We think more money, less risk, and more stuff would keep us living in bliss for years.

I want to be challenged. I want to try everything and figure out how it works. I want to change something besides the color of my dining room every few years. I want every day to be different than the day before it. I don't want to always know how tomorrow is going to turn out. I want to appreciate people and surround myself with friends who will push me. I don't know that I would mind a little risk in my life, because maybe it has nothing to do with what situation you find yourself in so much as who you find yourself with.

I want appreciate life and find happiness in the strangest places.

relationship advice (don't worry, i'm not really giving you any)

I'm glad most of my female friends read these. Most of them aren't really all that interesting if you're a boy, I'm sure. Sorry about that.

There is not "standard relationship advice." There isn't. I promise. Similarities and basic principles, yes. But basic principles tend to be just that, and they show up in different ways in different relationships.

People are different. When you put unique people together, you get a unique combination of personalities and interests and needs that really has to be explored and figured out at that point. My schedule, my concerns, my history, my passions aren't yours. Some things are more important to me than they are to others, and some are less. Even if you truly get over things that have happened to you in the past, those things affect what you will look for in the future. Things I can tell you with certainty that I need in a relationship when I'm single might actually be...you guessed it...WRONG. (I'll wait for the shock-and-awe effect to clear =] ). But heck, you might really like those ideas that I had a while ago that aren't all that important to me any more. What works for me probably won't make you all that happy. Because we're all really different. And that's really good.

Maybe I'll get my list back out one day and share it. I do have a list, and I like it--it's a good one.

For me.

There are things on it that I would recommend to anybody...and some that I know are absolutely not going to be compromised in my future relationship(s), though they might not matter at all in yours. Whatever your list ends up looking like, understand that a lot of the effort in your relationship will probably go into figuring out (with that person) what success looks like for the two of you--how your individual personalities work best with one another. In any event, understand that it will take effort.

genealogy

Today I finally figured out a few things I've never understood, and I thought I'd share because I've never met anyone who knew.

Cousins

The people we have always called our cousins (aunt or uncle's children) are first cousins. They are in your generation and don't share your parents, but they do share your grandparents. Second cousins are those who are in your generation and don't share your grandparents but do share your great-grandparents (one of your grandparents was the sibling of one of their grandparents). I'm sure you can keep going with the third, fourth, etc.

What the heck does "removed" mean?

"Removed" means you go up one generation. For example, your "first cousin once removed" could be your mother's first cousin. Your "grandmother once removed" could technically be your father's grandmother, and your great-grandmother. Your "uncle twice removed" could be your grandfather's uncle.

I also learned that it is spelled "geneAlogy" and not "geneOlogy." Who knew.

lessons

What my kids won’t have to learn the hard way, thanks to me:

If your big brother doesn’t like it when you tag along but you decide to do it anyway, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t want to come back and help you right away if you fall and break your arm.

If you live near the woods and you are playing hide-and-seek on some warm summer night, try not to lie in tall weeds for too long. You’ll regret your decision for days as you bathe in anti-itch cream.

If your cat dies and you need to bury him (especially if it’s Thanksgiving, and after dark, and it’s freezing cold and raining outside, and your parents aren’t home), try not to dig the hole near the edge of your property; that’s usually where the power or cable lines are. For your second hole, a good choice is also NOT right behind the tool shed, since all of those light bulbs and power tools need some sort of electricity and that means…more power lines. Sometimes things happen that might need to stay quiet for a few years for personal safety reasons.

Become friends with the lady down the street with the pony.

Shoes and socks are overrated. Except when it’s snowing.

Don’t ever let the ice cream truck (especially if it’s the first one you’ve ever seen) leave without making a purchase, even if the driver promises to come back. You probably won’t ever get the chance again. Be careful who you trust, kid, you might get burned. (Does that sound too bitter? I’m not bitter. I mean it was just ice cream, right? *sigh* )

The trash that hasn’t been taken out in weeks will be emptied the day you accidentally throw away something you desperately need.

The five-second rule on fallen edibles does not apply in all situations. Use wisdom.

That said, the five-second rule is a perfectly acceptable rule.

Kindergarten is not a good time in your life to attempt a relationship with a foreigner. He won’t have much of a choice if his parents decide to move back to France, leaving your tender little heart in pieces.

You really can’t dive into the shallow end of the pool. It always seems like a better idea before you try it than it will immediately afterwards.

Never leave for school without shoes, assuming you left them in the car and you can put them on while waiting to get through the drop-off line at school. You didn’t, and you can’t.

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I think my chances of raising some fairly well-adjusted children are looking good.

disappointment

If you want to be disappointed, you will be.

If you go into something trying to find the bad, you'll find it. If you don't trust someone enough to believe what they tell you and you try to find out otherwise, you'll probably find reasons not to trust them (even if those reasons are not real). If you're expecting to fail, you have no incentive to be excellent in what you're attempting--and you're probably twice as likely to fail. If you're just waiting to be offended or hurt, you won't have to wait long because you'll take offense to everything.

Never go into anything, whether it's a project, a relationship, or something as simple as waking up in the morning, with an expectation of being disappointed. Disappointment is inevitable, but that doesn't mean you have to be waiting on it.

Look at everything and everyone with the intention of finding the positive. You probably will.

things I don't understand (part two)

Why are we girls so mortally afraid of learning how to drive a manual-transmission vehicle?

I don't remember why I decided to buy my first car before I could drive it. Mom had to test drive it for me, and she hadn't tried in quite a while so we had a few good laughs. Maybe I wanted to be cool because I would be a girl with a stick shift. Maybe it was the challenge. Maybe I was stupid. Whatever my reason was, it turned out to be a really good idea.

I cannot even begin to count how many of my friends have gotten in my car and made some comment very similar to "I'm impressed. I could never drive this!"

WHY NOT? Ok, I'll admit--I cried after my first lesson. But that was only because I was afraid I had just bought a car I would never be able to drive. THAT'S scary. And the only reason I didn't get it the first time was because my dad wanted me to be able to balance the car on a hill before I even knew how to move in a lateral direction like "forward." My poor new car reacted to my fear by stalling. Often.

I reacted to my fear by crying.

So, for all of my female friends out there (and the guys too, you're not alone), I would like to give you my favorite reasons why I think you should learn how to drive my car:

1) While the helpless girl image works for us most of the time, you have to admit that it's a lot of fun to know what you're doing. Especially if your male friends don't.

2) It's a lot of fun. Seriously. I hope I always have a stick shift. I really really like driving it.

3) If you are ever on a road trip with me and I die or am seriously injured, I would like to think that you could get me home or to a hospital. Or if I need to sleep/not drive any more, I can do that too (which is the more likely of those situations).

4) Your transmission lasts longer. Basically, and I won't take long on this, you are changing the gears instead of your car having to try on its own. Which means those parts won't wear out nearly as quickly.

5) You use less gas. I don't know enough about it to talk about it without sounding stupid, so I won't try. But I like that I use less gas. May I recommend also that you get a small car, and get a Honda. Both gas-savers. Thus, I have a small Honda with a manual transmission in my driveway.

6) It's really NOT as hard as we've made it out to be. Once you get used to it, you really don't even think about it. I'm at the point where I can be on the phone, eating lunch, and driving all at once. I don't recommend it, but it's possible.

7) Did I mention it's fun?

I have spent the last 6 months or more in complete awe of the group of friends I have been blessed with at Clemson. And I mean it..."awe" is the only word I have for it. I am constantly surrounded by what I can only describe as the most encouraging, loving, dedicated, inspired, inspiring, and unique group of people on the face of the planet. I have never felt more secure in the support system I have than I do now. I could take any question, any problem, or any dream to them and feel 108% confident that they would support me and help me in any way they could. I have had several ideas even since we've left school for the summer that have been tweaked and expanded and prayed over and adopted enthusiastically--and I have had the amazing opportunity to hear their ideas and their hearts that speak so much louder than of the words they use.

And so, because I tend to ask too many questions, I had to ask...

WHY?

And one of the answers kind of scares/excites me.

I have never seen God do something that didn't have a purpose. And I don't believe that something this amazing exists just to encourage me, even though it does. I have to believe that, given the amazing talent and passion and compassion that I see in each of these people, that we are here for each other because there is coming a time when we will absolutely depend on each other for our survival (or sanity).

We've talked a lot about changing our campus before we leave. We're all involved in ministry, somehow and somewhere. We honestly believe that we have a huge task ahead of us, and instead of being intimidated we're EXCITED. If you talked to them like I do, you'd understand. They're serious about this stuff. And over the years I've come to realize that when God does something huge, it's hard. It comes from hours and hours of prayer, from selfless dedication and difficult changes. Things that are hard even for a close and encouraging and supportive group to deal with, but sometimes nearly destructive for a person without such help. I can honestly see that with what we want to get into in the next few years, we'll need help.

That's what God does...I've seen it over and over again. He prepares us ahead of time for things that we can't even imagine yet.

Before we even begin, He makes it possible.

quote of the week (the first of probably many)

My favorite quote of the week:

“We serve the one true living God.” They sounded really excited about that.

Ok. I do too. But do I even know what that means? I’m not quite sure.

SERVE: We are the servants. We find our purpose through honest humility and recognition of our weaknesses and limitations before our loving Master. We don’t call the shots, but we trust and serve the one who does.

ONE: The single source of truth. His words are our guide, and nothing is exclusively true unless He says so.

TRUE: Trustworthy. Ultimate. Perfect. Beyond mortal comprehension.

LIVING: When something is dead, it is set in stone. Almost everything about it can be explained and understood. A living thing can be a mystery, an unknown, an exploration. It can bring life to other things. It is, by it’s very nature, vital and in motion. When something dies, it stops moving (on various levels). It remains, at best, exactly as it was the moment it died. God is alive; He is eternally the same, but He is not confined to the box He is occasionally presumed to be buried in.

GOD: I don’t think we’ve arrived, or ever will arrive, at a place in human knowledge where I can begin to write a sentence about the enormous reality behind what we can only label “God.” That’s the best word we’ve come up with, and when asked for a name He just replied “I am.” It doesn’t seem like He expects us to wrap our mortal minds around it anytime soon.

And so, I’m afraid I’ve turned that sentence too many times into something it was never intended to mean. We are so convinced of the “one true living God” as WE understand Him that we become arrogant and exclusive unless we find others who agree with our understanding, when we become twice as exclusive because our views are validated. There IS truth, and God is it. When He tells us something (or writes the book—which He did), we can trust it to be true. But lest I forget, God has never authorized me to corner the market on Him—I’m serving Him. If God wanted to just explain Himself so that there would be no further need for exploration into who He is, He would’ve done so. And yet, there are so many questions left, and so many ways in which we still must rely on God to even understand the God we’re relying on. He has this wonderful tendency to reveal Himself and His truth to those who are humbly seeking it, not in their own understanding. “Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” We try so hard to understand, when our understanding is fallible and impermanent. We have only to truly want Him and He will take care of the directing of the paths.

things I don't understand (part one)

LOVE.

I don't understand the first thing about it. It's the most familiar concept in the world--it's one of the few universal needs, something that everyone craves and suffers significantly without. Shouldn't we be able to understand it a little better then? In the thousands of years of human existence, with billions of people relying on it daily, surely we have a really good and practical understanding of love.

Nope. I don't at least.

I don't know why God in His infinite wisdom chose to create us with a need to be deeply loved by the people close to us, for companionship with other human beings. I don't really understand when you are to first recognize that you are in love, nor do I completely get what it means to truly love someone. But I really don't think I'm supposed to. Learning is a relationship-building process, and when you make the effort to learn how to love someone better, you realize that they are truly worth that effort (or not, depending on the situation I suppose).

When I started thinking about what I don't understand about love (and by that I mean the "romantic" type, not the general command of God =] ), I thought maybe the best way to figure out how I look at it personally is to look at what I hear when someone tells me "I love you." Or maybe even better, what I want to be able to hear. So this is my personal translation.

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I LOVE YOU.

I respect you. I know a lot about who you are and how you think and what you value, and I respect your opinions and your judgment because of it.

I am committed to you. I believe that God has a plan for us and that we are in His will, even if we don’t know exactly what that plan is yet. I don’t take this lightly, and I believe that there is potential in our relationship. You are important to me.

I am proud of you. I’m proud to be with you. I’m proud of who you are, and I believe in you and in your dreams.

I trust you. I know that we will both make mistakes and probably let each other down at some point, but it's because we are human. You can still trust me.

I value your friendship. I don’t just see you as a girlfriend, I see you as a close friend that I can talk to and count on.

I am a better person because of you. We are helping each other and encouraging each other in the right direction, not dragging each other down. I want you to be a stronger and more confident person because of our relationship. I want both of us to live full lives, including what we do when we're not together.

I don't expect this to be easy. Nothing important is easy. Nothing worth any amount of effort requires just a little bit of it. I won't let go just because it isn't easy.

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So, that probably isn't all of it. But that's the general idea...and maybe I assume too much in that one idea. But I would rather set my expectations high and be disappointed in a few small ways with what I get than to set the bar too low and end up with something that will be totally disappointing. I don't expect perfection by any means, but I do want someone to have the right intentions before I allow myself to become emotionally involved to that extent. Maybe I do expect too much. But it's better than the way we've watered love down, where we actually believe that it can exist without most of the things above. I'd rather expect too much.

witness ("one who dies for what they believe")

Jesus said that we would be His witnesses, thanks to the power of the Holy Spirit. Check it out...it's the last thing Jesus tells his disciples before he goes back to heaven in the beginning of Acts. I cannot and would not like to count how many times I have heard the phrase "hurting your witness" in reference to (basically) publicly screwing up. I know people who have seriously considered giving up trying to live for God because they knew that every nonbeliever around them saw them lose their temper or talk about somebody or just fail to be "good." What if there's something a little less condemning about that whole situation?

Disclaimer (I use these a lot) : I believe that we are called to be set apart. I believe that God meant it when He commanded us to be holy as He is holy. I believe that every person who knows I am a Christ-follower looks at me with a certain degree of expectation.

BUT.

I also believe that Jesus knew who He was talking to when He sent out His witnesses. He had to know that by sending them out, He was advertising a group of imperfect and ultimately flawed human beings as his disciples. He had to know that when the rest of the world looked at them, there would be times when they wouldn't exactly look like Him. And He told them to go anyway.

We are sent out as witnesses of Jesus. Of who He is and what He has done to radically change our lives. Of the fundamental call to sacrifice and personal death that IS the Christian life. So when we go out into the "world" and claim the name of Jesus, what if the whole point is to show them that grace is attainable? What the heck is so attractive about perfection if you know you wouldn't ever be perfect? If we stay comfortably inside our stained-glass walls and never live a real life in front of anyone, hide our imperfections and refuse to admit that we're a work in progress, I genuinely don't believe anyone would want to be in our shoes.

Why? Because every one of us knows that perfection is not human. A non-believer (assuming said non-believer is fully human) might just be more attracted to the idea of grace than you think. So if you fall somewhere humiliatingly short of holiness like me, and have the same really annoying tendency to do so quite obviously to the rest of the world, USE that. When you honestly admit to them that you are nothing more than a fellow sinner, saved and covered by Jesus' blood, Christianity might seem just a little more possible. We are all wretched if you remove that salvation/mercy thing. It doesn't mean that we aren't trying our best to please God, it just means that we have the humility to admit it when we are wrong instead of beating ourselves up about it.

Be Jesus' witness. If necessary, be a really good example of God's grace to the wretched.

grace, for example...

reposted by request...

To be the person you once though you'd always like to be
To finally understand that who you are is so much further from what you thought you wanted
That its better this way
That this is what you were called to, while still being called away home.

It's the hardest decision I'll ever make—to trust, to die, to fall, to hope, to rest, to dream, to leave everything I know and everything I want for what I don't know and don't understand.

Try it once, it'll terrify you. Don't worry, it'll be ok.

I've cried too many times over what I've chased on my own, and lost in favor of something better I never noticed. I'm slowing down and waiting now, living without the walls I put up not to keep anything out but to keep myself in.

I was told that at times you just need to be held and told that you're beautiful. I was afraid of that because it meant too much trust, it was too selfish, it was too vulnerable and too much like what I longed for and so it couldn't be real. But I'm learning how to allow myself to rest in the arms of Christ. I know it sounds cliché and old and overused. But have you tried it? There is a world of truth in what we ignore out of familiarity. Grace, for example…even love…

Have you ever been told you were beautiful when you felt like you were something—anything—else? Have you ever stopped long enough to question how you got here or why you have what you don't and can't and won't ever deserve? Have you ever refused to see in yourself what someone else has seen because you think you know who you are? Take time…and yes it means actual resting, taking real time out…to rest, and reevaluate, and not find yourself but find your King. You'll never know who you are until you hear Him whisper in your ear and tell you what you mean to Him, and to hear that the one who knows you better than you'll ever know yourself is enthralled with your beauty.

Trust me when I say that it will make you want to be beautiful. It will make you long for the grace and help so freely given to be what you never dreamed possible. Not for yourself…but for the One who actually cared enough to tell you--remind you--who you are. There's something about knowing His expectations for you that makes you realize that you aren't where you should be, but that the true desire of your heart is to live wholly in pursuit of His approval.

in case I've never told you...

If there's one thing I've noticed about the desperation of the people around me, it is that most of it is concentrated in the church. We who have in our posession the hope of nations, the most miraculous and redeeming truth that has ever lit up this world, we who have been called a royal priesthood and a chosen generation, we have lost sight of the hope that lies within us. Not only is it available to us, it is within us, alive and powerful. God's salvation has rescued His church, which turns around and runs right back out into the mud it was pulled out of.

In case you have found yourself disillusioned with not just A church, but THE church, please understand that I'm with you. For everything I've seen, I remain an idealistic dreamer at heart. With that comes great disappointment at times, because nothing of this world is ideal. Nothing composed of humans is ideal, hence the church itself falls far from my expectations much of the time.

For all of you, several close friends of mine and maybe those whom I will never know, who may have given up on God's church, let me plead with you for a moment. My hope is in the everlasting God, my refuge and my strength. If my hope were in the institution of the church and it's fidelity, yes I'd give it up. First one out the door. But if you will, return to the cross and ask yourself if what that horribly beautiful image represents is worth placing your hope in. I promise you it is. And if that is the case, keep your heart fixed on your Savior and follow the docrine you find in the pages of His love letter to you. How can you go wrong?

I'm learning slowly how to be "constructively disillusioned." Sometimes I forget the importance of God comparing the church to His bride; He is faithfully devoted to her and loves her even when she is unfaithful. Her mistakes hurt Him deeply, but He restores her. Instead of finding fault in what we've become and judging each other for our collective mistakes, it's about time we united a world of churches into the church and gently but firmly restored one another. I think there are many times when God allows us to see problems, even experience the hurt that comes with them, with the intention of using us to voice the solution. Instead, we internalize our pain and become frustrated with our brothers and sisters. Lest I forget, I am not a large enough part to be sufficient if I cut myself off from the rest of the body. I need you, not just to be there and help me, but to survive. I need you whether you're perfect or not. I need you whether I agree with your theology or not.

In short (because I know you were wanting that instead of all of the above...get over it :D ) , I think I'm remembering why I fell in love with Jesus. And THAT gives me a lot of hope in His church.

so....I haven't done this in awhile?

I miss writing. It took several people and much deliberation before I was finally convinced that I need to do this occasionally :) I realized recently that I write much much better than I speak, maybe because I have time to think about it and I can always change it until it sounds the way I want it too--either way, it's not like I have any career aspirations for this or anything like that. But I do like it.

You know what else I miss? People! Several have moved away, many are just not with me either just for the time being or for the summer. I miss my family back home: and by home I mean Clemson. I look back at the girl who moved boxes and boxes of books and socks and hair products and whatever else into her first dorm room last fall, and the girl who moved those same things out a few weeks ago is very different. What I consider home is completely different. The more people I talk to about it, the more I realize that too many of my friends are surprised by how much they've changed. I'm GLAD I'm different, and I was waiting for it.

I'm not where I want to be, but then again who is? I'm a little torn between wishing I knew then what I know now and yet still understanding what a beautiful thing this year has been. Most of the time I'm sure that many of the things that have changed about me have gone unnoticed to everyone but me, because it's my perspectives that have changed. I can't say that I know what I want out of life, but I do know that I would rather not know where I'm going now; I'm learning how much more amazing it is to allow God to leave you blindfolded.

I'm a hand-holder for sure. I will never know why, but it's a comfort issue. It means something to me. Like my 13-year-old good friend once told me, "Anybody can kiss you. Only somebody who really likes you will hold your hand; you can still talk to them that way." Ok I'll admit when she said that I laughed, but I have to give her a lot of credit. She's a smart cookie. So the image of God allowing me to cling to His hand is beautiful to me, because it means that when I fall I have a hand to help me up; when I cry I have a hand to wipe away my tears; when I need guidance, I have only to trust where that hand is leading me. And I always, in any situation, can slide my hand into His and know that I am deeply loved.

I feel like I'm always learning how to fall in love. Like God is teaching me how to love Him. And it makes sense; true love is not an emotion, it is, among other things, a constant effort to learn how that person needs you to care for them. The best way to find out how they need to be loved is to learn that individual inside and out. If our relationships are supposed to be a reflection of the many different ways God loves us, doesn't it make sense that we can learn over and over again how to fall more deeply in love with Him just by knowing Him better?

I think I've thought enough for one night...goodnight to all of you, I love you :)